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No Answers /Tough Soldiers

Life is tough, but us mental soldiers carry on

Fighting demons, waging wars against an invisible foe on our own shores

Every night the line between defeat and victory gets thinner, never quite giving in

Racing thoughts, thinking the worst, dying of the thirst for happiness

We quest to find the cause, analyse the symptoms and ask all the questions

Never quite getting to the answers, just potential

A potential door that slams shut in our face

A potential respite, that unveils itself to be another lesson, another game

Longing for life to be simple

This is our battle, it might never be won, but we refuse to give in!

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Emotional Refusal

Feel so lost, am consumed by rage.

No clue, who can give me answers to this pain.

Seeking love is no fun game

Unreciprocated or not enough its all the same

 

Keep trying to give it up

Focus on something else

But I’ve had enough

 

If shes out there, why isn’t she here

Surely if we belong, then we’d be together already

Sharing moments of joy, adventures a plenty

 

Then there is one who i mentioned already

Clearly important, maybe a little unhealthy

Can’t shake her, won’t leave her

But she’s not ready, or maybe never will be

Not for me

 

Cos I think as I try to avoid doing just that

I’m not quite good enough

 

 

 

thanks for reading, if you didn’t feel it, read it a little like eminem rapping.

 

Pixc

Little Changes

So I have been thinking, nowt new there then ey. I have been thinking and watching videos, listening to people, thinking some more. It is not how long it takes, how tough it is or even how slow or fast you go through life, it is that you keep going, the changes you wish to see or make in life, can be little, they can grow and improve your life, without you even realising, until someone else notices. I started a gym routine back in  February this year, I was going more regularly back then but I still go, I also go running once a week usually, again I don’t ridicule myself for missing it, just aim to get back on the horse soon as I can. I was told by several people recently, they can see a difference, obviously most people notice I look better, lost weight but not too much I guess that they’d say you look unwell. However one commented that I seem different, as in I’m more motivated, I’m doing more that I would normally ignore or forget, like say the washing up or the housework in general. Little changes, I never noticed but soon as I was told I realised I was doing more, I did feel healthier or better.

I have some new changes I am struggling to implement, especially in regards to technology and routine, I  want to keep on top of housework, this is a tough ask for me, I know easy solutions, but discipline is definitely lacking. I thought about taking the phone out of the bedroom, maybe even all technology, but this is less likely, as it has been embedded into my routine, invest in an alarm clock, but then the TV still is there, for those cosy nights in bed watching movies, I might even scroll through my phone a while too, I think it is pretty common, I like checking my phone when I wake up, see if a friend has messaged cos they’re up already. I can’t quit that habit I don’t think. I could possibly not use technology in the bedroom bar that, I could set a time for no more screens, right now i’m eyeing up the time, nearly 9pm, I try to be in bed by 10pm without fail, mostly it works, I’m a reader but I can’t remember the last time I was so engrossed in a book i kept returning to it every night, I lie it was most likely a year ago, (Shappi Khorsandi’s – Nina is Not Ok) not my usual reading fare, bought for my holiday to Egypt, may have been gripped by a Doctor Who book since then but it was around that time.

I’m still pondering more little changes I can make to life, spreadsheet with chores typed out, making sure I do one chore every day might be a start, making a list of all the tasks, frequency, this is because if I don’t, likely nothing will get done, ha!

Anyhoo as a little message to all feeling lost, as dyspraxia for me can make it seem so futile, little changes, make a big difference, baby steps!

Pixc

Death … why is it nobody really talks?

So, I know my blog is usually full of either humour, romance or sadness and anger, I haven’t posted in a while and I hadn’t felt the need to or the desire. However a cousin died this week, I’ve talked to a friend about death a bit, had reactions from colleagues and friends, but in all honesty she was the only one I felt did what I needed.

When you don’t know what to feel, I wouldn’t say I was close to my cousin, we were probably closer when we were younger, but not really close, but I just wanted to shed my thoughts, while it’s fresh, even if it hurts. I have felt broken, it doesn’t wait for a safe place grief, I’m an overthinker so I guess maybe I’m more prone to it. I felt something odd, this is I think a weird thing but I want to share it just in case like I felt, that people think it is weird, unnatural or crazy. I felt jealousy, jealousy that for my cousin it is over, not that i’d wish it on anyone or myself, but it’s hard to explain, I’m not suicidal, I guess you feel anything and everything when you’re struggling?

I just can’t imagine how anyone can after being told of someones loss, not worry about them, want to check on them, but very few people have checked in with me, the standard sorry for your loss and you know where I am comments flooding from everyone, but honestly, as someone struggling, when exactly do you expect me to want to reach out in this? Do appreciate the support mind. I just don’t know what to say, guess that’s normal too, going to end as food is imminent and I’m watching something, but death tough topic, it comes to all of us.

Thanks for reading,

 

Pixc

yeah, let it out

So once again, life beats him down, more emotionally than physically, not even hard, but he’s ill this time. she’s gone to sleep or ignoring him and everyone else because she needs the break, another is with other people, or another guy to be precise. He can’t help but think he’s missed the bus again, even though he’s probably overthinking and exaggerating, the only outlet he has is this blog, because everyone is mostly busy, when it hits, there isn’t anyone around, he’s also an awkward bastard, so when someone is around, it’s either not the right someone, or not the right time. He curses himself for being such a muppet, but deep down he feels, why does nobody answer?

He reads stuff about suicide, how people need to talk, reads stuff about depression and how people need to talk, reads stuff about self help, none of it matters, he can’t talk about what needs to be said, everyone is too offended, too upset or can’t just hear him out. Sounding a little like a spoilt brat sometimes he feels, is that it, then he remembers the advise, don’t ever change for anyone, be yourself. He sits here typing this to you, because nobody is listening, they all say they do, they all say hes not too much, how nice he is, how awesome he is, but there seems to be a line nobody will cross, it’s a line he would cross for almost anyone he knows, or he would have, but when you cross it for so many and nobody returns the favour, goes that extra mile, without being specifically asked to. I think he lost the bottle, lost the will to carry on chasing, carry on caring. Still one that he tries so hard to keep it going with. It’s so painful, but if anyone did cross that line for him, he knows it would be her, but just like everyone else when the awkward time hits, not here, not now, later.

Thanks for reading,

Pixc

Numb but drowning in Emotion

Life hits him hard in the face and the gut, maybe a small needle through the tiniest bit of his heart, just twisted slightly to make him wince. He stares at the statuses, looks at the empty chat reel, the lack of notifications, it feels like a metaphor for his empty house, his social life ever constantly there but with no substance, he chases and he tries but it feels like such a choir, is he a bore, is he not worth their time?

He busy himself with games and films, distracts himself with music diving deep into the needle hole he felt earlier, exploring the pain, distraction over, back to drowning in a sea of loneliness, even with her never wavering support, her guiding advice, always tinged with regret that it never quite happened, that it never seems like he has enough to make it happen, shes still there, but he still feels alone.

All the colleagues, friends, family, acquaintances who could be friends, everyone likes him, well almost everyone, he knows there are people who don’t want to know him, have already made up their minds, they don’t like him, some he probably pissed off, wronged or hurt, not that he wanted to, it’s just not in his remit, but he can’t take it back.

He tries to be positive, point out the good things in life, look at how lucky he is, but wait that is good but what about this, what about whats missing, while he marvels at what he has, he looks at what he hasn’t got, dwells on what he didn’t do, or should’ve done, he looks to what he should do but can’t, not what he can, because nobody can stay positive all the time, especially not in a sea of loneliness, numb and drowning in emotions.

 

Tangents on Thursdays!

Well, what a few weeks I’ve had guys, a reyt emotional rollercoaster! Three options on the job front, for the same company, two of those in different locations, one of which was a completely different role, needless to say it looks like am sticking where I am due to my own stuff going on. So no commuting and sticking with the gym as it would be much more difficult to maintain from a further away location.

The World Cup has been on, not been watching every game, seen england games, but though we look a lot better, first half against belgium and we don’t look great. Nice to see some of the smaller teams fighting for a good show. Panama’s goal against England was pretty good. So what other Tangents we gonna touch upon.

Gaming is always a good one, being such an avid gamer, I must draw attention to three of my favourites, Rimworld, No Man’s Sky and Borderlands. Firstly Borderlands, where is the news, where is the release date, we are so hungry, well I definitely am, I cannot wait for this game. Hopefully a solid release date arrives before the end of summer. I’d love to see the game arrive before the end of the year or latest end of march, oh and an update Belgium are winning, see England are shite again, normal service resumed.

So gaming, Rimworld 1.0 is available on the steam unstable branch, not tried it seen some gameplay, not sure if I like it as much, may wait until mods are released properly as I daresay I will miss them. I will probably cave at the weekend so look out for that on my channels. Lastly No Man’s Sky, yeah I really like it, have since release, i’m tired of the hate, they really don’t deserve it. Destiny or Fifa or Call of Duty deserves it, but not this. So the new NEXT update, fully fledged multiplayer and so much more. I can’t wait to see what is coming, so am off to watch some NEXT gameplay I got recommended, right after writing this.

So with gaming out of the way I can look at some music stuff. I introduced hopefully two, but definitely one person to a band called Dirtwire, intriguing sounds remininscent of a rustic badlands from borderlands type vibe. I urge you to check them out, if you’re a fan don’t be shy say hi in the comments!

I’ll leave you with a final thought, time is ticking, we ae getting ever closer to the first female lead of Doctor Who, also shes from my hometown, what a win!

Thanks for reading,

Pixc