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shaking with upset or anger, because someone jumped the gun, knowing full well they are only human, we piece it back together or rather I attempt to pacify it, doubting my motives, wondering if it’s a waste of time, is it worth it?

Isolated from the one lifeline I can always count on, too busy, they can’t shield me from this anymore, always was a poisoned shield anyway, just a glimmer of hope that made sure only they could hurt me, now they are gone.

Shaking still the deep pit sinking feeling gnawing at my inner vitals, the life sucked out of me somewhat, feeling weak and alone, with nobody to hold.

I have to keep going, things to do, life to live, but wouldn’t it be sweet to fall asleep.

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funny things I think about . . .

So I think a lot . . . . stuff just pops into my head, I dream without being asleep, just about everything as I’m sure most people do. I was making my lunch for tomorrow just now thinking about recent events, particularly my last morning at the train station, where I was attempting to eat cereal with a ladel because Tesco had no spoons and I forgot mine, they might still have them just not in the obvious place, wondering if it is the current war on plastic that got me into this situation, then remembering another time where I wore a psycho mask, the character from borderlands and with a few helpful friends was able to make it so i had a hole to put a straw through to drink, unfortunately yes it was plastic, but i did keep the same straw all night.

I think about things I’ve done, but also the future like debating who will win their . respective royal rumbles next sunday, I am hoping for a Kofi Kingston win, but I highly doubt it will happen, everyone wants to see it surely, what an epic result that would be. I think Ember Moon would be my pick for the womens rumble, but I would be happy with Bayley or someone completely unexpected, not Charlotte who i fear will win.

How about what if scenarios, my favourite is the lottery win. I often think if I won the lottery I would see my close family right, close friends but ultimately, it’s about what I would do for myself. I’m not averse to the idea of a bit of charity though, a friend said she would give it to charity, set up a homeless shelter, I honestly think this is a great idea, pretty admirable, I thought of a perfect place in our town to do it. So maybe that would be something I’d try to do, I’d definitely look into it. Continuing if you will let me indulge you with some top things on my lottery list.

A house with a large basement – for games room and studio, with potentially 3 bedrooms, but as I looked online most would likely have more. If needed a dining room with room enough to put a pool table in. Obviously this isn’t needed if the basement is big enough. A holiday home or villa in a hot country for trips, I’m not sure I’d want to totally leave the UK. A trip to some of my most wanted holiday destinations, particularly Thailand, New Zealand and Canada. A cruise up the Fjords too. I don’t drive but I would possibly consider this, as I could explore the UK at my leisure if I learnt. Plenty of music equipment with a full kitting out of the basement for sound quality and neighbours protection, I think I would look into paying someone to clean the house, an allowance for a friend with skills maybe? I often wonder if all of this is some kind of pretentious or vain bullshit in me, not a quality I generally like, but I guess I would just love to have enough money to own what i want when i want and live in a nice house with a holiday home. I’d probably put on a cheap rave, with my favourite acts, i’ll leave the lineup below as a teaser . .. .. haha thanks for indulging me and reading this.

Line Up

Mark EG

Proteus

Glowbones

D-Block and S-te-fan

Dr Peacock or Radium

Die Antwoord

3 Doors Down

Shpongle

Rodigan

Phaeleh

Bit random, guess i’d either have two rooms or a day night split, started with djs later on.

 

Routine

No concept of time, how it flies, passing me by, I wonder why, that I cry when the night is gone.

Bed time arrives, too soon it drives, me to my dreams, for a mere moment, then up again back to the grind, oh what is this life.

Work is fine, doing time, earning that dime, now rewind.

quietly refocusing

Sitting patiently, quietly admiring, waiting, biding my time.

Watching and subtly hinting, but never in your face, because I have seen how in your face can be.

It doesn’t work, it doesn’t pay but it keeps me from getting hurt.

That might be a lie because no matter how quiet or how in your face, we all still feel the pain.

So nothing ventured, nothing gained, I’ll do my best to focus on me.

2019 begins

A new year, new opportunities, new me?

What a load of bollocks, I started my changes back in february 2018, bit by bit, then I hit a rough patch after summer and am rejigging my tracjectory, it’s not a new me, no goals, just ideas, with some trial and error.

Little steps, while my mind copes with the onslaught of expectations and difficulties. Do what I can to relax or take a step back when I can, keep more of my cup for myself.

Forgive me if I continue to be bitter, someone left a sour taste in my mind and someone else keeps topping it up, not always the same person either.

 

All the best to all my readers for this new year.

 

Pixc

Still here / Me

The weather inside my mind is fog and rain, most days, constantly running in every direction trying to find the sun, fighting against any wind in the hope behind it lies blue skies.

Searching for the new sound, knowing I stopped because I couldn’t find it, knowing music is key for me but feeling like I’m impossibly searching for a tiny speck of dust on a massive shelf, that might even be too high for me to reach it

Looking to the past, seeing the good and the bad, constantly focused on the negative, not intentionally, but like it is natural, thinking there is only progress so that when I stop making progress it can mock me and remind me what I should be doing.

Knowing the answers, the path, but unable to follow it, either through lack of discipline, motivation or confidence. I never gave up, I still try to resolve, I look to help myself because there is only one person who can get me out of this loveless, guilt driven hole, of this quicksand of unreciprocated, bitter twisted sea of desolation . . .

Me

 

Thanks for reading,

Pixc

For Better or For Worse, My Friend

Can she see the pain in my eyes, the way I feel it when she leaves, or doesn’t respond?

Can she see how much I’m fighting, wanting to never let go?

The one true friend even through all this

How could I leave her now, after all that is what friends are for.

It might not be the “for better or for worse” I was looking for

But it’ll have to do.

 

 

Thanks for reading,

Pixc