Allsorts of Stuff


waves and phases

It comes in waves, comes in phases, always the same.

Stressed out, wanting to see you, talking, thinking why are we not?

Realise it’s you, you don’t see it, it doesn’t work for you

I go silent, I want to scream, it won’t change a thing

So I settle, then I spiral, knowing my world crashing round me as that woman who is waiting on me is only getting the silver.

I wish I didn’t want you, I wish you hadn’t rescued me, I wish the next one didn’t need to be so awesome, cos I’m tired

I’m tired of fighting my own heart, because I can’t have what I want, I’m tired of being alone and lost in the dark

It comes in waves and phases, a drunken text that I love you

A snappy retort that you don’t need this.

Realisation that I don’t either but can’t seem to break the habit

Torn between the idea you would get it over with and break my heart clean in two, or take my hand and let me find out if what my heart is fighting for is worth it.

I know you won’t, too nice to live a lie with me or break my heart, not your decision, not your feelings, every song, every love story, every memory, a little more pain and water from my eyes, i’ll just carry on.


Tough Decision, still working on it

So guys, I just had my birthday and have been thinking what to spend my money on, been watching a lot of videos on the steel tongue drums, hangpans and  handpans. Researched into it, the making of them and struggling to understand how some can cost £200ish and some over £1000.

So far I really like the GUDA Drum Freeezbee model, the RAV Vast models and the traditional original hangpan. I can’t afford much more than the £200 if I’m honest. I was hoping not to spend more than £250 if possible.

I like the flexibility and sounds of the RAV Vast selection but the price is a bit too steep, the same with the original hangpans. GUDA drums, seem to have a nice design, similar to the rav vast in quality but smaller.

I am no closer to deciding on a scale it is the toughest part I feel. I think for now I will try invest in a GUDA, a decent design, good quality and hopefully a gig bag as I may have somewhere to play if I get good enough otherwise good to take to the park to play there. In my research so far, I have seemed to favour a B scale, but not always. usually minor, but again not always. I liked the exotic scales, African, Shang Diao, well let’s just say I may need all the time to figure this out.

Hopefully in a few months however I will own one.


Thank for reading,



new sounds

Been a while but I uploaded something new.

Any thoughts please drop a comment here or on soundcloud 🙂



Raging Tears of a Dyspraxic

So time to share, time to shed a layer off into the world, many who read my blog know I use this as a way to offload shit, get stuff off my chest, express myself, sometimes it can seem pretty dark, I make no apologies, sometimes my emotions are high or low and I need this outlet.

Tonight I snapped, it has been brewing for a long time, I’d had enough, but I immediately regretted it, usually when someone says that it’s cos they hurt someone else, but tonight I hurt me, not physically and it might have hurt someone else too, but for me I went from raging, to broken wreck in 60 seconds, I planned to be asleep early tonight, fat chance now.

Reached a point where after years I want to be free from emotion, daleks, cybermen come at me bro! Seriously though I always hated the idea of anti-depressants, I figured it just masks the shit and makes you not feel, I never wanted that, my emotions have always been unchained free, I liked that about me, I felt it made me human, still do, but maybe I just want a break, or maybe not to have a heart because it feels right now a curse.

When you are likely in love with someone and it’s not reciprocated, when you care for someone so much, they are your best friend, your confidant, your rock, then you realise she might be gone, not only that but you have to agree to it, you have to walk away, you resign yourself to it, but everytime you try you rally, nope you cannot leave her, look at all she’s done for you, look how much she cares, how much she means to you, come on,so you keep going, broken, that is where I am at now, it would be simpler if I could go, that’s not me, it wouldn’t be easy either way, I am still clinging on because I can’t imagine life without her, on any level, I know I want more than I got, but I can’t imagine life without her.

Snow more .. .. ..

I don’t want to go in like this, but I know it will help, but the weather is cold and please let it snow some more.

I don’t want to deal with the hi’s, the how are you’s, the cold weather and the snow, so please let it snow some more.

I don’t want to stare mundanely at a screen doing the same stuff when I could be at home doing what I love, but it pays and I need the money. Just let it snow some more.

Sat hoping for snow, not because I want it, not because it will help, but because the break will do me good, the time I will gain, free time, just only if it snows some more.

The weather outside is snow, the fire is so warm. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! (angry line)

How can I?

You can’t play on broken strings, here without you, it’s impossible,  the way you do the things you do.

Mamny Rivers to Cross, You could meet somebody, rewind, all of me, last request.

Dancing on my own.

In other words, how can I go on without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do, I’ve got many rivers to cross, they say you could meet somebody, but I doubt I will, can’t we just rewind, this is my last request, grant it, let me hold you.

I’m much like the Doctor, I don’t do goodbyes, I  don’t do endings, I don’t like them, I always felt like an island, I wish you’d let me be there, while you fix you, I don’t mind if you nag me, I want to know.

How can I let go? Though I know I have to, I want you to stop me, for the right reasons, for me and for you.

You can’t play on broken strings, I know I can’t make your heart feell anything, but if it is buried beneath all your pain, maybe we can find it together.

Torn, Blues and Broken

So once again, trying to pick things up started working on something music wise that sounds great, in the same vein as some of my other dubstep stuff. However, as with anything what goes up must come down. only with me it seems through the floor and barely with foundations.

I don’t like the fact that my blog often becomes a torrent of sadness and clutching at straws I can barely hold. I am under no illusions I am worth more than this. Can’t help the way you feel, can’t change the way anyone else feels, only they can do the latter and only I can try to fix the former. Neither appear to be in my power. Just got back from a great gig, some talented musicians playing. All it did was remind me of my own pain, still enjoyed it, wouldn’t change it.

Every song seems to be a dagger, carving another tiny piece out of my heart, broken is a good term to describe how I’m feeling, but life is not all doom and gloom, I am working on me, getting to the gym a bit, hopefully I can keep motivated, have a good gym buddy and possible more on the horizon. Twitch is hopefully continuing next weekend onwards, hopefully work on the track and get something on soundcloud or somewhere soon.

Thanks for reading, keep it locked,