Late Night Musings
Laid in bed I often get thinking about how things have gone down, what might happen next and where things have gone wrong over the years. Tonight after watching some two and a half men, I thought back at past relationships, an online one I ruined because I thought it more than it was and made mistakes to believe a person at the other end of screen was able to be with me just online. The anonymous nature of it all still can be a great bond but its no way to live life.
I was head over heels with a girl younger than me when I was just 18, she was a lot more experienced and a lot more active in the sexual and relationship world than me in fact I’d say for a first girlfriend she was quite a challenge. I only spent a very short time with her and although I had fun another bad egg in my basket haunted by inexperience and emotional inaccuracy. I was rushed in a later relationship although I’m not sure if it was later or earlier, a fun filled few days ended in a rushed first time for me, where I was toyed with by someone who again was younger but more experienced than me. Looking back I don’t know if it was really worth it but taking positives into account, we learn from our mistakes and are stronger because of it.
At around this time I’d met a girl I didn’t know if we clicked but I knew that it was a longer haul and the previous girl was the knife to the back of this one. However later, this girl knifed in the back turned out in my view not to be the best option anyway. She had kids really young and although I wasn’t ready sometimes I wonder what it would have been like and if I would have done well that young. I’m guessing from this point on exact timings of things, I know I wanted a few lasses over the next few years but until I turned 20 thats all I did, want…..
Come 20yr old I was out raving, enjoying the music, I met a girl, was out for someone to have fun with to be honest, figured I’m young but I want to share my time with someone enjoy life being young and well experience a more age appropriate sex life so to speak. Saw a friend in town and was called over to say hi, two girls with him one is the girl I mentioned earlier, the other was pretty cute, I invited them both to come to a rave, not this time but the next, hoping the cute one would be up for it but expecting neither would be, I didn’t see the rebellious, slightly risky nature I expect from the usual raver type of girl but who knows. I ended up getting the girls number and although it wasn’t the cute one, I was still taken aback by the confidence of this girl and the forward nature but well things moved on, I ended up spending time with them both but the girl who gave me her number and me just seemed to click, she was with someone else and I couldn’t understand it, I told her she could do better. I said I would but I’m not looking for anything serious and we ended up seeing each other regularly. Looking back I was a pretty poor catch if you ask me. I remember her telling me long after I’d sent a text to her and a text to the cute girl mentioned earlier exactly the same, I feel pretty bad looking back but moving on……
I continued to see this girl for quite sometime, we went raving together, I remember one rave I wasn’t seeing her at the time but she came with and she was still into me from what I remember but I think she was seeing someone else, anyway she got in a pretty bad state, I felt bad because I had got her into raving and at this one I couldn’t be there because she was with someone else, I got told off several times by people for trying to help her out, you know give her a hug and sit with her. Her boyfriend was useless really, the guy is an ok guy don’t get me wrong he was just not into that scene and expected the wrong people to help her out. So we ended up seeing each other again, I remember little of order or specifics we were on and off until last year.
This brings me to the reason I am writing, she’s with someone else, after me raving on to her about not thinking what other people think, she’s with someone else saying how shes realised shes pretty, now before anyone kicks off at me. I didn’t fall for her pretty smile, I fell for her caring nature and over time she was such a treasure I got deeper and deeper, but thing is there is nothing wrong with her looks, I started to see flaws in her personality later on and even now I know shes not perfect but neither am I, I look back and think damn I was harsh sometimes, but I guess I just wanted so much for her and now well maybe shes got it.
I don’t like it, its not true as far as I’m concerned and it’s not what I think she wants but it seems to be making her happy, I don’t know what I can do to make me more understanding or amiable(not sure of right word) around the situation but its difficult for me, I’m writing this for myself more than the world, when I write I figure things out easier. I know I still love her, bombshells of news on the tip of my fingers to explain it all easier, almost having a kid together, almost seeing someone else but turning them down and seeing her again. Her seeing someone else and then coming back to me, its all been a rocky road, but aint that just life one big rocky road with lots of twists and turns.
I also think its selfish of me to want her to stick around while I’m not interested in being with her because I can’t see her and me happy when we are together, she has her own problems that I can’t deal with, I want my own freedom to do my own things, it sounds like I want to sleep around but trust me I don’t have it in me, well technically anyone who knows enough about me could argue I did that and well yeah once I did, I said things ain’t going great she was accusing me of fooling around, flirting with another girl and I wasn’t, but my feelings were if I’m being accused and I can’t stop it then why not at least get something out of it, yeah admittedly the girl I fooled around with I liked, but cut a long story short I paid for it, after that she never forgave me and this girl has not stopped bringing it up even now shes with someone else. I’m not asking for her to forgive me but dropping it, now would that be so hard? I apologised a lot, I stopped talking to and seeing the other girl it didn’t help.
So now me and the other girl are back talking, we are friends and I am happy that we are talking again, things are different now, she doesn’t flirt with me, we are just friends, I guess I flirt a little, I still like her but I’m not expecting anything to happen, if it was on the cards then it will happen when it happens. As for the main girl in my life, shes making her bed, she seems to be lying it, thing is can I let her? I once had a choice to go out with two latest girls in this blog, I chose the main girl, did I choose wrong, I’ll never know, but I know that seeing her with someone else, incidentally around 5 years older than me, is a bit hard. Hearing her complain about him hurts me because I don’t want her to go through that. Knowing I can’t ask her to come back to me because deep down I don’t think I’ll be happy with her when the novelty wears off. Knowing that I can’t keep avoiding going to the pub incase they’re both out, because its awkward. Knowing someone who was so close to me can never be that close really anymore, because they have someone else, its all pretty down stuff, but I guess what hurts most is that you have made it so hard for everyone to see what is going on inside your own head that you have to type it all onto wordpress to hope that someone who cares might show it and give you a hand through it all
Sorry i got kind of deep, I needed to write this for me…..