Allsorts of Stuff

Influence, Experiment, and Emote

Influenced by everything and everyone we come into contact with, we all our moulded into new people as time goes by, as the doctor says, never forget the people you used to be, I never will, never could even if I wanted to, if I did I’d probably never have been who I am today. I just sit amongst the people I know, watching and waiting for “the moment” or each different opportunity to develop into something better. I took one such opportunity recently, now faced with the prospect of a lot more doors opening, a lot more choices and decisions.

I particularly lost a friend, not through death, not through fault of my own, through some strange uncontrollable circumstances, nothing to do with me, I might not have dealt with it the best, but I was not in the wrong, I dreamt about this friend and I wonder, maybe she came around while I was asleep, thinking why did I walk away from him, cos I’ll be blunt, I would have done anything for this girl, but I wouldn’t ever side with her over a long standing friend when I was so close to both of them. My loyalty is absolute but I won’t test it against others to whom I have the same respect and loyalty, I miss her but to me if she doesn’t see what I did for her then is she worth bothering over.

Another I have to mention is one of my closest friends, no matter how hard I try to walk away, I can’t ever do it, she means the world to me, when shit really hit the fan, she was the one unexpected rock stood there offering a hand. I will never forget that. I didn’t know where I was, thought not the only one shes helped me out of these darker times. Yeah, if the tone doesn’t say it, there is more to this for me than friendship, yeah if you didn’t already guess its not shared, not on the surface, still a glimmer in my mind, that says don’t give up on her, maybe this is love, I recently resigned myself to focusing on me, getting what I want, I’m not scared of being alone anymore, I’m happier with myself so why would I be. I think people have strange opinions on me, don’t know what they are because nobody voices them. Except the ones I already kind of suspected.

Recently though, a lass I barely know, but had previously gathered thought nothing great about me, started being overly friendly towards me, this to me was rather strange, but stood rigidly next to her, as she obviously made an effort to be friendly, I was just content to stand next to her, with my own thoughts, theorist as I am, overthinking over analysing, I still am now, it won’t change, but it makes my observations very muddled opinion. Sometimes I would love to have a mind reading ability, that is part of the fun or difficulty with life I guess. Women will remain a mystery to me I think. 

So new job, new me, new start, new life, progress, but for me, not everyone else. dedicated in short to certain individuals, who have made such an impact on me, I want to do them proud, this point in my life is a haze, for once its one of bliss, confusion and just general content. I’m for once a lot better, not since I was 15 have I felt truly like this, no mask this is all real.


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