When little things become too much . . . .
So this weekend was supposed to be about the new fifa, playing it, starting my new career on it, picking my team, streaming it. I am still waiting, yes, GAME, did not manage to deliver on the said date, or even on saturday, I’m not going to jump the gun, as it could royal mail’s fault but customer service is lacking from both companies, meanwhile, I think as a knock on effect, I am not enjoying this weekend one bit. Dr Who is on the horizon but well I’d quite like to share it with someone these days, not looking likely to happen, I don’t want to sound morbid, but there are people in my life I know give a shit, at least two friends I know just have busy lives and sometimes they struggle to make it. However there are others who are controlled, by drink or other things, hell I’m no saint, I have been through some heavy recreational drug use myself, not that I ever in my opinion had an addiction, I had an experience that made me see it was time to stop, I had a few blips and I left it alone. I don’t miss it, I miss how close people felt to me in those times, how fun it all was at times, because I see right through the fake, dramatic over played bullshit I get from some people in the real world, I recently got a job, been in it for over three months now, I like it, I’m happy with it, I’m not pleased with how my health and free time is, but my confidence is I think growing.
For those who read my blog, writing this, it lets me get things out. I know many people may feel the same as I am about to explain now and many will think me silly. I crave social interaction, even if its just sitting in the same room, but people wind me up because on the whole we are so unreliable, i say we because i include myself in this. we are all a little selfish at times. I find myself more often wondering if I disappeared if the social radar for a few months, forced myself not to communicate, how many people would make the effort and who would actually come to see if I was ok? I doubt it would many, but one consolation, if I died, sad as it might be, I know plenty of people would cry or at least be a bit affected by it, because I try to care, throughout my life, I have forgotten about myself a lot.
I feel I am going on, but for once, I’ll see where I take me. I’m losing interest in making effort with people, people seem to find it hard to have a conversation, I’m a very chatty guy, once people make the effort, but everyone is so cold to me. I count myself lucky to have met so many awesome people. I find it hard to believe anyone would not want to talk, but right now I just want to sit with someone, once am there am sure conversation will flow, I’m thinking I’m very much like a dog, living in the moment, ever changing emotionally, I have too many ideas and things I want to do and when I write them down, I just get them out of my head so I can slump on to whatever pointless trivial thing is happening.
I know this might come as a shock to some of my friends, but I don’t think I should be here, I think maybe thats why I feel a little lost in this crazy world. I twice I think I should have died so far, I wasn’t looking for it on purpose, but I also think I’m just getting started, so go figure, I think it is time to eat for me, so I’ll leave it there, but thanks for reading any posts, feel free to follow me on all social media, soundcloud, twitch@ Alwaysmutetheweirdo and the same on fb, here and djpixc on twitter, my internet network feels more stable than my own social circle, maybe thats my own fault but somewhere down the line, it will probably change.