Just don’t get it
I couldn’t think of a worthy title, so that is just a sort of loose them to the rant I am about to divulge, for life is sending me the urges to write.
Life isn’t the worst it has been for me right now, but it might well be the toughest I can remeber in recent times, the hardest to figure out. I have a good job, as uncertain as my future is, through no fault of my own and my place and technology is somewhat in a good place right now.
Life just seems to be bringing me down to the darkest depths of myself. Every once in a while I get a repeat episode a reminder, I am not where I should be, a sinking, gut feeling that something is wrong. It links back to some counselling I had many years ago, circles and also is a similar feeling to when I was having anxiety/panic attacks after Doctor Who which I forced myself to power through as Doctor Who is my favourite tv show since I started watching it back at the beginning of Nu Who. Twice when I have been playing Prison Architect now have I got this feeling of circles, I’m not sure if it is anything to worry about but I am curious what it is. I am a very curious person, I like learning to understand myself, life in general but often stuff goes over my head because who is there to explain something only you can feel.
Stress, could it be just as simple as that, but lots of people have it worse than I, surely it can’t be that. When I add up all what is going on, it is no wonder I am struggling, but uncertainty with my job, women, the lack of, the lack of understanding and the luck of it all, a friend who is always there but can be really annoying but can’t help it sometimes, a friend who is hopeless at being a friend because he listens only to where his next bag of weed comes from, a friend who I know cares but our schedules rarely allow for us to hang out much, a friend who I am crazy about but know it will never happen, in all honesty the lack of interaction on my gaming videos or blog posts, the fact that the people I want to care just don’t seem to want to hang out or do anything and the people I know do care, I get fed up with, knowing you are addicted to playing games, but knowing it is the only thing keeping you going, justifying that if you didn’t game would you not just sit and watch x y and z programme, basically doing the same thing but not doing anything but vegetate. Knowing you have at least some modicum of musical talent but not being able to use it because in order to get the new controller you need a full time job and with one you have little desire to churn out track after track even a single loop is a challenge with the little time and timing your brain decides to give you, getting an idea late at night when you should be going to sleep. The list started off so small and yet now I feel I could go on forever, the lack of ability to feel like you can push your weight in the right direction, knowing some of the stuff you eat is really bad, but you love it and it tastes so good, or that the stuff that you know could help you tastes so vile, celery damn you! I am definitely not Ron Weasley, my emotional range is far greater than a teaspoon but damn it would be nice to just one or two days a week feel nothing but what needs to be done, what i am going to do and how it is going happen. I often fear I may share a little too much when I write, I merely hope to relieve some of this unstable mind so that I can right myself someday.
I hope if someone wants to share they never feel they can not, cos I would to bottle my entire life up forever.