Allsorts of Stuff

creative stuffs

When she won’t cave

Do I stay or do I go?

I can’t give up, I don’t want to give up

Surely if it was going to happen it has had enough time?

But if the timing hasn’t been right, might it be in the future?

What ifs and but this and that, I’ll never stop hoping

If someone would just come along and drag me away

How could I even think that? Why would I even consider that?

I don’t deserve her, hang on a minute, she doesn’t deserve me

How could I even think that of her, what is happening to me

She told me to go, but she obviously doesn’t want me to

So there is hope, nope she wants something else, she needs you but its not the same

But I can’t it’s all or nothing, wait that is silly, would you not rather have her in your life?

I don’t know, Shroedingers Cat? Yeah exactly, we should try it, then I will know?

I didn’t last, I caved, I can’t have what I want, but I can give her what she wants

But never settle I said, never settle, I now have to

Where is she? Will she rescue me? Would I even want her to?

What kind of bullshit is this, wanting someone to rescue you from this?

How could you even expect anyone to be ok with this?

Also you try and try and try again, they don’t stick around or you push them away

So what that’s it, no answers?

Nope just question and you, focus on you if you can

Well that’s ironic

 

 

a short mind dump about where my head is at right now and kind of a conversation I have with myself often

 

Thanks for reading,

Pixc

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Refuse to Flake

Still struggling with losing a friend somewhat, recently an old friend and neighbour passed, I only found out over a month or so after, I don’t how to feel, but the one person I could always run to, I can’t run to.

I sit here typing this now because time and time again, just like tonight, I am shown whether exaggerated or not through my current state, that I am less important and less bothered about by friends than I bother with them, I get told the i’ll be there, get in touch cliche remarks, when shit is truely going to pot, they do seem to show up, but honestly I can’t say it feels great knowing life has to get to rock bottom before someone wants to get in touch or hang out, or maybe they feel pressured into hanging out, if I am really that boring, annoying or hard to be friends with, can you just tell me or say bye or something? I’m not perfect but this getting so frustrating and all I can do is type away to the unknown readers, I am not a flakey person, I don’t do flakey, I’m loyal, but is it at a fault these days, it seems so.

I’m not saying everyone I know is such a twat or that there aren’t good people in my life, but I refuse to be flakey like some people seem to be with me, if you need me even though I chose to walk away, even though you knew I needed to, I’ll still be on the other end of that phone, or with a brew to hand for you, as you know I’m not a big drinker of brews, but I refuse to flake on you even though I need to move on, it won’t ever stop hurting but when I feel the flake from others, I can’t imagine how you might feel, but I hope you read this and know I’m always here, thinking of you, wishing I didn’t have to do this.


Think of me

Think of me, if you see those pearly gates, laying down here without you.

No, think of me before you go to those pearly gates, not yet, not now, think of me.

Think of me, because for many years I haven’t stopped thinking of you.

Think of me, before you leave us all because you are not a timelord, if you don’t you will never think of me again, but I will go on thinking of you!


studio setup issues!

Hey guys, so I have a legit reason for sharing, a have a slight problem, my brain appears to be working on a solution but it doesn’t appear like an easy one. Here is the problem.

I have recently picked up a new Push 2 controller for my studio setup, I am slowly getting to grips with it, my dyspraxia I think is the main culprit for that, focusing the mind on being creative when it is trying to figure out new equipment might not be the best idea, but the main reason it feels such a gripe, is the layout of my new setup.

Keyboard, Mouse and Push 2 with monitor behind keyboard, wires not great length wise, push not in prime location, mouse and keyboard mat no longer long enough with three devices not fitting, then the push when flat on the desk doesn’t make for ease of seeing the push 2 and screen at the same time, so I figure I need a stand for it, but what kind? I find online a post containing a link to an ikea cheap easy solution, not sure if it would work its under £10, not tried it yet. Then I think if it doesn’t what would I need, well something ideally that goes over my keyboard but then acts like a writing/drawing easel, maybe there is one already? The drawing easel, looked at A3 seems ok size fit, but then it isn’t raised, can I double it with a monitor  keyboard riser thingy, will it take up too much space? So many questions, then the cost, an A3 art easel is  double the price of the cheap solution, but would need the riser ontop, so more cost there, then it might not support the controller, it is after all only for paper and the like.

So any suggestions guys? Any thoughts on Push 2, how is your setup looking, can you easily see the screen?

Thank for reading,

Pixc


9 years

Woah, it has apparently been 9 years since I joined wordpress, I originally started through a local college, where I studied new media, including music technology, which in a word was one of the best decisions in my life. I owe it all to my recreational drug use really, I’m not ashamed or proud of that period of my life, I loved it but it was a rollercoaster and it has opened my mind and heart a lot, making it equally more amazing and tough to soldier on in life these days.

I wanted to write something today and only came to realise the above because of the notification that I past that 9 year mark recently. I wanted to share about how my mind often races, giving me so many amazing ideas, too many and limiting it seems me to that phase of the process. The ideas flood to me constantly but being able to sort them and fine tune one to make it something special seems alien, seems unattainable. Often I find it easier to just waffle on and hope for the best.

At the minute I am playing at least 10 games, across PC, PS4 and Android devices, in my desire to get back into making music I recently picked up a Push 2, expensive as it is, I just wanted the freedom it offered and to try revitalize my musical muscles, it has not yet worked, but with a full time job it is hard to find the arsity if I’m honest. My brain doesn’t stop at that however, I saw a post from a new friend of mine, about her going into acting and my ideas of writing for Doctor Who resurfaced, I always wanted to write for Doctor Who or my own novel or some fan fiction for one of my many fandoms, an ultimate mashup of Potter, The Doctor and Borderlands worlds’ in a weird crossover but as I said the ideas flood me and seem to paralyse me to the mundane working week and must do something fun of the weekend or evenings.

I sit typing, knowing that I am capable of so much more, will it be this year I am free to act, or will I remain trapped by my own paralysis!


No Denying It

I have been trying for almost 10 years to walk away from her

Trying to move on, to stop feeling like I do

I have known for years, I probably won’t stop

There is no denying it, I’m crazy about her

I can doubt it, or is it that because I am alone in it, I can’t see the point

I have met many I like, a few I could see taking me away from her

But none follow it through, not complete the journey or even start it really

I still can’t deny it, I’m just too far gone

 

 


unreciprocated

She is the light and the dark, the past, the present and future, but he is not hers, well not in the same way. He can’t see past her, can’t see without her, can’t see with her. He knows and he accepts, but still it doesn’t change, trapped in an emotional cage of his own making.

Looking back wonders if he could have changed the outcome, what would have happened, would they still be this close? would he be free? would he be with her still? What if rears it’s ugly head as always, all he wants is to step out of this, one way or another.

Another comes along, a chance to escape, he takes it, it was fake, not what it seemed, another mistake. Once again another chance to escape, once again, another fake, she was there all along helping him through it, trying to help him escape from her, is she who she seems.

They talk and he feels hope all the time, but always it is dashed on the cliffside as soon as he voices it, like she never knew she had given him such a thing.

Still he tries to escape, maybe his heart is not in it, maybe he can’t, either way he’ll keep trying, because she isn’t joining him in that desolate place they call love.