So once again, life beats him down, more emotionally than physically, not even hard, but he’s ill this time. she’s gone to sleep or ignoring him and everyone else because she needs the break, another is with other people, or another guy to be precise. He can’t help but think he’s missed the bus again, even though he’s probably overthinking and exaggerating, the only outlet he has is this blog, because everyone is mostly busy, when it hits, there isn’t anyone around, he’s also an awkward bastard, so when someone is around, it’s either not the right someone, or not the right time. He curses himself for being such a muppet, but deep down he feels, why does nobody answer?
He reads stuff about suicide, how people need to talk, reads stuff about depression and how people need to talk, reads stuff about self help, none of it matters, he can’t talk about what needs to be said, everyone is too offended, too upset or can’t just hear him out. Sounding a little like a spoilt brat sometimes he feels, is that it, then he remembers the advise, don’t ever change for anyone, be yourself. He sits here typing this to you, because nobody is listening, they all say they do, they all say hes not too much, how nice he is, how awesome he is, but there seems to be a line nobody will cross, it’s a line he would cross for almost anyone he knows, or he would have, but when you cross it for so many and nobody returns the favour, goes that extra mile, without being specifically asked to. I think he lost the bottle, lost the will to carry on chasing, carry on caring. Still one that he tries so hard to keep it going with. It’s so painful, but if anyone did cross that line for him, he knows it would be her, but just like everyone else when the awkward time hits, not here, not now, later.
Thanks for reading,
Life hits him hard in the face and the gut, maybe a small needle through the tiniest bit of his heart, just twisted slightly to make him wince. He stares at the statuses, looks at the empty chat reel, the lack of notifications, it feels like a metaphor for his empty house, his social life ever constantly there but with no substance, he chases and he tries but it feels like such a choir, is he a bore, is he not worth their time?
He busy himself with games and films, distracts himself with music diving deep into the needle hole he felt earlier, exploring the pain, distraction over, back to drowning in a sea of loneliness, even with her never wavering support, her guiding advice, always tinged with regret that it never quite happened, that it never seems like he has enough to make it happen, shes still there, but he still feels alone.
All the colleagues, friends, family, acquaintances who could be friends, everyone likes him, well almost everyone, he knows there are people who don’t want to know him, have already made up their minds, they don’t like him, some he probably pissed off, wronged or hurt, not that he wanted to, it’s just not in his remit, but he can’t take it back.
He tries to be positive, point out the good things in life, look at how lucky he is, but wait that is good but what about this, what about whats missing, while he marvels at what he has, he looks at what he hasn’t got, dwells on what he didn’t do, or should’ve done, he looks to what he should do but can’t, not what he can, because nobody can stay positive all the time, especially not in a sea of loneliness, numb and drowning in emotions.
Music leaving me breadcrumbs to find, is it game asking me to weather the never ending tide? Broken and bitter, biting my lips as tears fade, must I ask you now? Still I call unanswered, never rely on anyone my conscience says.
Escape to another world every opportunity, once I return still it stands unnerved, it doesn’t falter, not even flinch. Emotions of all kinds, to others a breeze, a ripple or a glow, to me a tidal wave, a hurricane and blaze.
No escape, no straps to pin me back, no seatbelt to save from this ride, this crash this flight as I leave the window of fantasy and smash into reality, no escape, not enough time, too many rules and nobody who plays by them.
I often find myself thinking little snippets of great word play, try to build on it like above, but sometimes it falls flat, I still wanted to share, someone told me I was in a dark place recently, I never felt I was, but usually when I am it helps to write, so maybe you’ll see more from me, in this dark place. Thanks for reading.
Just secretly happy about something, walking through life with a spring in my step. Getting advice about what do next, I can only tie myself up in knots. An opportunity possibly, a disaster maybe, will I take it never, because I am to worried, too worried about if I’m reading this wrong, if what she says is true, if what he thinks is right, that I shouldn’t even be thinking about it, that I’m cheating on the woman I love who would advise against it but probably secretly be hoping I go for it and it works out, so I’m no longer in her life. I never asked for it to pan out this way, or did I? When I first met you saw the line, stood well back, all the while wondering, what if it wasn’t there, would it happen, could it work, now I know you and there isn’t the same desire, but a growing friendship, all the while seeing that line wobble, cracks appear, still standing back, secretly hoping but knowing that what must be, must be, trying not to get involved because it is none of my business, but wanting to know, just in case.
But I digress, that is but a fictional possibility because I am me, that opportunity never comes to me, that opportunity was given to him.
Someone come and rescue me, from the depths of my heart.
Someone slid into my soul and then gave me a red card.
I’ve tried to escape and break free, feel trapped inside my own fart
I cannot see a light anymore, the world has all gone dark.
I cannot forgive myself, no matter how I try
Everything that happens confirms that I should stop asking why
Even my dreams haunt me, nightmares they could be
Although my friends surround me, they don’t know how to help me.
Addicted and in this I find
My only solace, my only passion
Well almost I must add
There is one key, one chance if I can, I might.
Music, music is key my friend to
Rescuing my mind.
It comes in waves, comes in phases, always the same.
Stressed out, wanting to see you, talking, thinking why are we not?
Realise it’s you, you don’t see it, it doesn’t work for you
I go silent, I want to scream, it won’t change a thing
So I settle, then I spiral, knowing my world crashing round me as that woman who is waiting on me is only getting the silver.
I wish I didn’t want you, I wish you hadn’t rescued me, I wish the next one didn’t need to be so awesome, cos I’m tired
I’m tired of fighting my own heart, because I can’t have what I want, I’m tired of being alone and lost in the dark
It comes in waves and phases, a drunken text that I love you
A snappy retort that you don’t need this.
Realisation that I don’t either but can’t seem to break the habit
Torn between the idea you would get it over with and break my heart clean in two, or take my hand and let me find out if what my heart is fighting for is worth it.
I know you won’t, too nice to live a lie with me or break my heart, not your decision, not your feelings, every song, every love story, every memory, a little more pain and water from my eyes, i’ll just carry on.
I don’t want to go in like this, but I know it will help, but the weather is cold and please let it snow some more.
I don’t want to deal with the hi’s, the how are you’s, the cold weather and the snow, so please let it snow some more.
I don’t want to stare mundanely at a screen doing the same stuff when I could be at home doing what I love, but it pays and I need the money. Just let it snow some more.
Sat hoping for snow, not because I want it, not because it will help, but because the break will do me good, the time I will gain, free time, just only if it snows some more.
The weather outside is snow, the fire is so warm. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! (angry line)