It comes in waves, comes in phases, always the same.
Stressed out, wanting to see you, talking, thinking why are we not?
Realise it’s you, you don’t see it, it doesn’t work for you
I go silent, I want to scream, it won’t change a thing
So I settle, then I spiral, knowing my world crashing round me as that woman who is waiting on me is only getting the silver.
I wish I didn’t want you, I wish you hadn’t rescued me, I wish the next one didn’t need to be so awesome, cos I’m tired
I’m tired of fighting my own heart, because I can’t have what I want, I’m tired of being alone and lost in the dark
It comes in waves and phases, a drunken text that I love you
A snappy retort that you don’t need this.
Realisation that I don’t either but can’t seem to break the habit
Torn between the idea you would get it over with and break my heart clean in two, or take my hand and let me find out if what my heart is fighting for is worth it.
I know you won’t, too nice to live a lie with me or break my heart, not your decision, not your feelings, every song, every love story, every memory, a little more pain and water from my eyes, i’ll just carry on.
I don’t want to go in like this, but I know it will help, but the weather is cold and please let it snow some more.
I don’t want to deal with the hi’s, the how are you’s, the cold weather and the snow, so please let it snow some more.
I don’t want to stare mundanely at a screen doing the same stuff when I could be at home doing what I love, but it pays and I need the money. Just let it snow some more.
Sat hoping for snow, not because I want it, not because it will help, but because the break will do me good, the time I will gain, free time, just only if it snows some more.
The weather outside is snow, the fire is so warm. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! (angry line)
Do I stay or do I go?
I can’t give up, I don’t want to give up
Surely if it was going to happen it has had enough time?
But if the timing hasn’t been right, might it be in the future?
What ifs and but this and that, I’ll never stop hoping
If someone would just come along and drag me away
How could I even think that? Why would I even consider that?
I don’t deserve her, hang on a minute, she doesn’t deserve me
How could I even think that of her, what is happening to me
She told me to go, but she obviously doesn’t want me to
So there is hope, nope she wants something else, she needs you but its not the same
But I can’t it’s all or nothing, wait that is silly, would you not rather have her in your life?
I don’t know, Shroedingers Cat? Yeah exactly, we should try it, then I will know?
I didn’t last, I caved, I can’t have what I want, but I can give her what she wants
But never settle I said, never settle, I now have to
Where is she? Will she rescue me? Would I even want her to?
What kind of bullshit is this, wanting someone to rescue you from this?
How could you even expect anyone to be ok with this?
Also you try and try and try again, they don’t stick around or you push them away
So what that’s it, no answers?
Nope just question and you, focus on you if you can
Well that’s ironic
a short mind dump about where my head is at right now and kind of a conversation I have with myself often
Thanks for reading,
Think of me, if you see those pearly gates, laying down here without you.
No, think of me before you go to those pearly gates, not yet, not now, think of me.
Think of me, because for many years I haven’t stopped thinking of you.
Think of me, before you leave us all because you are not a timelord, if you don’t you will never think of me again, but I will go on thinking of you!
I have been trying for almost 10 years to walk away from her
Trying to move on, to stop feeling like I do
I have known for years, I probably won’t stop
There is no denying it, I’m crazy about her
I can doubt it, or is it that because I am alone in it, I can’t see the point
I have met many I like, a few I could see taking me away from her
But none follow it through, not complete the journey or even start it really
I still can’t deny it, I’m just too far gone
She is the light and the dark, the past, the present and future, but he is not hers, well not in the same way. He can’t see past her, can’t see without her, can’t see with her. He knows and he accepts, but still it doesn’t change, trapped in an emotional cage of his own making.
Looking back wonders if he could have changed the outcome, what would have happened, would they still be this close? would he be free? would he be with her still? What if rears it’s ugly head as always, all he wants is to step out of this, one way or another.
Another comes along, a chance to escape, he takes it, it was fake, not what it seemed, another mistake. Once again another chance to escape, once again, another fake, she was there all along helping him through it, trying to help him escape from her, is she who she seems.
They talk and he feels hope all the time, but always it is dashed on the cliffside as soon as he voices it, like she never knew she had given him such a thing.
Still he tries to escape, maybe his heart is not in it, maybe he can’t, either way he’ll keep trying, because she isn’t joining him in that desolate place they call love.
IF you really like me then cut the bullshit I am too old for games
If you don’t want me as more than friend then say, i will be there til the end
If you didn’t like what you saw, it wasn’t quite the peak you expected
Then jog on, I am worth more than that, you can find Mr Perfect elsewhere
If you tease me get my motor running then run away confused don’t blame me when someone else comes take my juice, cos one day someone will appreciate me and I will not hesitate to let loose, this was once for you, lady but you just couldn’r choose.
I hate the way that sounds I would much rather be sweet, but gals like someone who has a nobhead ish quality indeed, someone who makes them feel like shit not feel their in a dream
I was born to please one, but one does not exist so should I give it up and just look after me.
Met a lass from down south got a boyfriend, but still appreciated me for who I am, maybe she sensed i was unlucky and tried to give me some confidence to make me plucky, either way I won’t forget, no go or not she made me think
I went out come home early, because like always nobody keeps up, saturday night the atmospheres sucks, just want me to come out til something better comes along, whilst am wondering what the fuck went wrong, I just wish for once my way, but never expected, so never regretted as I drift into space.
I ask all the readers to bow their heads in the respect of one, lost, tired of all the silly games.