Think of me, if you see those pearly gates, laying down here without you.
No, think of me before you go to those pearly gates, not yet, not now, think of me.
Think of me, because for many years I haven’t stopped thinking of you.
Think of me, before you leave us all because you are not a timelord, if you don’t you will never think of me again, but I will go on thinking of you!
So I am in a strange patch of my life, where alcohol is a lot more common, only in a binge one night thing, stress is probably high but I’d never know how to measure it, I just plod on through life, because we have to right? I have a friend, a best friend if you will who never gets a break, she means the world to me and I can’t help her, so I sit here and write, share with the world because all I can do is let it out, because I can’t talk to her, she needs this time.
Usually when I am in this state I write like crazy, make music, watch Harry Potter, other nerdy things and if I’m lucky inspiration strikes and I write some of the most amazing stuff, be it some sound or some words. I’m not sure if it is because I no longer take any recreational drugs unless you count alcohol, but I can’t go back to taking those, not until I no longer need to work. I wish I could smoke that spliff with a certain american lady, pop that pill with my best friend I never took anything with, but it wasn’t to be, I look to find other pleasures life has left me, music is a massive part of that, whether listening to it or making some weird soundscapes in my studio.
It pains me that I see so many people suffering these days but hell should I be so surprised seen as I have been one of them for over ten years. I am often an open book, I don’t ever want to change that, I have to be a little more cautious now, I made some mistakes, I’m not proud, but I’m not ashamed, I’m human, we all do.
Just to quote Doctor Who “YANA”
Thanks for reading.
Woah, it has apparently been 9 years since I joined wordpress, I originally started through a local college, where I studied new media, including music technology, which in a word was one of the best decisions in my life. I owe it all to my recreational drug use really, I’m not ashamed or proud of that period of my life, I loved it but it was a rollercoaster and it has opened my mind and heart a lot, making it equally more amazing and tough to soldier on in life these days.
I wanted to write something today and only came to realise the above because of the notification that I past that 9 year mark recently. I wanted to share about how my mind often races, giving me so many amazing ideas, too many and limiting it seems me to that phase of the process. The ideas flood to me constantly but being able to sort them and fine tune one to make it something special seems alien, seems unattainable. Often I find it easier to just waffle on and hope for the best.
At the minute I am playing at least 10 games, across PC, PS4 and Android devices, in my desire to get back into making music I recently picked up a Push 2, expensive as it is, I just wanted the freedom it offered and to try revitalize my musical muscles, it has not yet worked, but with a full time job it is hard to find the arsity if I’m honest. My brain doesn’t stop at that however, I saw a post from a new friend of mine, about her going into acting and my ideas of writing for Doctor Who resurfaced, I always wanted to write for Doctor Who or my own novel or some fan fiction for one of my many fandoms, an ultimate mashup of Potter, The Doctor and Borderlands worlds’ in a weird crossover but as I said the ideas flood me and seem to paralyse me to the mundane working week and must do something fun of the weekend or evenings.
I sit typing, knowing that I am capable of so much more, will it be this year I am free to act, or will I remain trapped by my own paralysis!
I couldn’t think of a worthy title, so that is just a sort of loose them to the rant I am about to divulge, for life is sending me the urges to write.
Life isn’t the worst it has been for me right now, but it might well be the toughest I can remeber in recent times, the hardest to figure out. I have a good job, as uncertain as my future is, through no fault of my own and my place and technology is somewhat in a good place right now.
Life just seems to be bringing me down to the darkest depths of myself. Every once in a while I get a repeat episode a reminder, I am not where I should be, a sinking, gut feeling that something is wrong. It links back to some counselling I had many years ago, circles and also is a similar feeling to when I was having anxiety/panic attacks after Doctor Who which I forced myself to power through as Doctor Who is my favourite tv show since I started watching it back at the beginning of Nu Who. Twice when I have been playing Prison Architect now have I got this feeling of circles, I’m not sure if it is anything to worry about but I am curious what it is. I am a very curious person, I like learning to understand myself, life in general but often stuff goes over my head because who is there to explain something only you can feel.
Stress, could it be just as simple as that, but lots of people have it worse than I, surely it can’t be that. When I add up all what is going on, it is no wonder I am struggling, but uncertainty with my job, women, the lack of, the lack of understanding and the luck of it all, a friend who is always there but can be really annoying but can’t help it sometimes, a friend who is hopeless at being a friend because he listens only to where his next bag of weed comes from, a friend who I know cares but our schedules rarely allow for us to hang out much, a friend who I am crazy about but know it will never happen, in all honesty the lack of interaction on my gaming videos or blog posts, the fact that the people I want to care just don’t seem to want to hang out or do anything and the people I know do care, I get fed up with, knowing you are addicted to playing games, but knowing it is the only thing keeping you going, justifying that if you didn’t game would you not just sit and watch x y and z programme, basically doing the same thing but not doing anything but vegetate. Knowing you have at least some modicum of musical talent but not being able to use it because in order to get the new controller you need a full time job and with one you have little desire to churn out track after track even a single loop is a challenge with the little time and timing your brain decides to give you, getting an idea late at night when you should be going to sleep. The list started off so small and yet now I feel I could go on forever, the lack of ability to feel like you can push your weight in the right direction, knowing some of the stuff you eat is really bad, but you love it and it tastes so good, or that the stuff that you know could help you tastes so vile, celery damn you! I am definitely not Ron Weasley, my emotional range is far greater than a teaspoon but damn it would be nice to just one or two days a week feel nothing but what needs to be done, what i am going to do and how it is going happen. I often fear I may share a little too much when I write, I merely hope to relieve some of this unstable mind so that I can right myself someday.
I hope if someone wants to share they never feel they can not, cos I would to bottle my entire life up forever.
Yes we made it, 2017, a brand new year people, this is just a quick post to say Happy New Year, eager to see what 2017 holds, this is a big year for me really, the big 30 is upon me and I will spending my first birthday outside of england, far as I can remember anyway.
So what does 2017 hold for Pixc, well hopefully an Ableton Push 2 and some motivation and discipline to get back into making some beats. I ain’t making any promises I have claimed for the last three years at least that this would be my musical year, the year I take it to new heights but it hasn’t quite happened yet. I do hope that I can be a little more disciplined this year that’s for sure.
As some of you will know I am a heavy gamer, some would argue an addict. I lots track of time for the first time in a long time playing a game, Prison Architect, I just got immersed in the story, for a game that is essentially more about the building of a prison, it was quite a surprise. I looked at the clock to find it was 4am, whoops! I still think there may be a place for me in youtube or twitch to carve out some sort of niche for myself, but I’m less confident, it is tough going, if you watch me. Thanks for your support, it means a lot. I think focusing on one platform would be a great idea, but unforunately YouTube makes it really hard for a small time youtuber to make anything out of posting content online unless you are lucky enough to have tonnes of fans and well Twitch is very limited in who it reaches I guess, more people are willing to have a youtube account and comment on videos, subscribe to channels etc.
So who knows what 2017 might bring, let’s hope it’s a good un eh!
Things will happen, your time will come, just you wait and see. All the cliche responses I get when I get a little frustrated by the lack of romance or women in my life. My life was pretty rough for a while, well I say rough it was mostly self inflicted although I couldn’t tell you why, I don’t quite understand looking back, but the main thing that is missing in my life now, is a woman, someone to share my life with.
This is just my little rant about those phrases, my gran always said “Don’t chase women” I still believe this to be sound advice, but only to a certain point, I think once a women gives you some signals, if you don’t act, she quickly moves on and I doubt it is a good move to wait for her to do it all. I often got told you’re such a nice guy there is bound to be someone for you, well news for ya ladies, if all women are thinking that same thing, then there won’t be, someone has to take the plunge and not think like you. I have had some luck, I once got told a friendship that grows into something is a good way, never believed it but recently something came out of a long friendship, admittedly it now feels like that was a bad idea, but it showed to me it is possible.
Hung up on the same woman since about 7 years ago, but always knowing deep down if it was going to happen, it would have by now, we passed like ships in the night and though we may still be close, or were, I can’t help but feel we both fucked up with this one. So sitting content with my creative juices writing, making music, gaming, doing videos without the obsession or thought of a woman in my mind, it get’s broken by someone giving me a signal, I jump on it, whether I was right or wrong to, she backs off claims confusion or denies giving the signal either way I take the blame, or rather have to suffer the defeat, while she either moves on or goes back seemingly without a care, am sure she still cares and probably suffers a little too, but I don’t know because communication was already mediocre at best and that for sure hasn’t got any better.
I am for a man of almost 30 somewhat young in my mind, in a sense of shall we say maturity, especially sexual and/or romantic maturity, but that is I think 50% true. I have a much older sense of respect and self that somewhat cripples the development of my romantic side. I feel there is a risk taker, charlie sheen don’t give a fuck twat deep down somewhere that would woo many ladies off their feet with my wit and charm, but my crippled confidence, outlook and bitterness combine with this to create a socially awkward open book, as easily readible as a harry potter novel. I am a catch I don’t doubt, but it is the distinguished strange fisherwoman that rarely comes along that will find the beauty in this particular fish.
I have been told I need to spruce myself up a bit, maybe get some baubles to darn the old twigs as they don’t say. I have a way of words on here, but in female company, I stumble and stutter or simply stay quiet, until comfortable, then fall flat on my face in rushed conversation and foot in mouth syndrome, I kid you not, this guy is not as smooth as you might first think.
I’d like to think, as a result of my rant someone out there knows they are not the only awkward guy or girl frustrated with not being the all singing all dancing wizard with the opposite sex, that we might be alone, but we are not completely alone.
I sit here, a little high as my desk situation is to sit on a draughtsman/hairdresser chair with a kitchen worktop sort of height and a tv unit underneath to store consoles and tv box. It makes for a nice look, but the more I use it the less practical it seems. None the less, here I sit pondering the stories I am now immersed in, the shows, the books, the life I lead, because as my favourite story once said, “we’re all stories in the end, just make it a good one”.
So with Engines of War, by George Mann sitting on my bedside table, Cinder and the War Doctor combining in what seems so far like a great story, then I have Arrow Season 2 on my ps3 waiting to be watched and finished, so little time. Yet I am not done yet, telling my own stories on Banished to the youtube worldwide. A fair few series’ still on Netflix to watch, keeping up with Game of Thrones on NOW TV, with a collection of blu rays building each month. Still finding time to immerse myself in the latest games, join in the party chat and progress York City through Fifa 16 to the glory of europe, I hope!
I just wonder how one can keep all this easily in front of me, picking up when I return to each so easily, but work related, domestic related stuff does not come so naturally? Is it purely that when you enjoy something your brain automatically keeps it fresh.
Either way, it is one crazy crazy ride with all these stories, I don’t think I’d change it.
Thanks for stopping by,