Allsorts of Stuff


Numb but drowning in Emotion

Life hits him hard in the face and the gut, maybe a small needle through the tiniest bit of his heart, just twisted slightly to make him wince. He stares at the statuses, looks at the empty chat reel, the lack of notifications, it feels like a metaphor for his empty house, his social life ever constantly there but with no substance, he chases and he tries but it feels like such a choir, is he a bore, is he not worth their time?

He busy himself with games and films, distracts himself with music diving deep into the needle hole he felt earlier, exploring the pain, distraction over, back to drowning in a sea of loneliness, even with her never wavering support, her guiding advice, always tinged with regret that it never quite happened, that it never seems like he has enough to make it happen, shes still there, but he still feels alone.

All the colleagues, friends, family, acquaintances who could be friends, everyone likes him, well almost everyone, he knows there are people who don’t want to know him, have already made up their minds, they don’t like him, some he probably pissed off, wronged or hurt, not that he wanted to, it’s just not in his remit, but he can’t take it back.

He tries to be positive, point out the good things in life, look at how lucky he is, but wait that is good but what about this, what about whats missing, while he marvels at what he has, he looks at what he hasn’t got, dwells on what he didn’t do, or should’ve done, he looks to what he should do but can’t, not what he can, because nobody can stay positive all the time, especially not in a sea of loneliness, numb and drowning in emotions.



Tangents on Thursdays!

Well, what a few weeks I’ve had guys, a reyt emotional rollercoaster! Three options on the job front, for the same company, two of those in different locations, one of which was a completely different role, needless to say it looks like am sticking where I am due to my own stuff going on. So no commuting and sticking with the gym as it would be much more difficult to maintain from a further away location.

The World Cup has been on, not been watching every game, seen england games, but though we look a lot better, first half against belgium and we don’t look great. Nice to see some of the smaller teams fighting for a good show. Panama’s goal against England was pretty good. So what other Tangents we gonna touch upon.

Gaming is always a good one, being such an avid gamer, I must draw attention to three of my favourites, Rimworld, No Man’s Sky and Borderlands. Firstly Borderlands, where is the news, where is the release date, we are so hungry, well I definitely am, I cannot wait for this game. Hopefully a solid release date arrives before the end of summer. I’d love to see the game arrive before the end of the year or latest end of march, oh and an update Belgium are winning, see England are shite again, normal service resumed.

So gaming, Rimworld 1.0 is available on the steam unstable branch, not tried it seen some gameplay, not sure if I like it as much, may wait until mods are released properly as I daresay I will miss them. I will probably cave at the weekend so look out for that on my channels. Lastly No Man’s Sky, yeah I really like it, have since release, i’m tired of the hate, they really don’t deserve it. Destiny or Fifa or Call of Duty deserves it, but not this. So the new NEXT update, fully fledged multiplayer and so much more. I can’t wait to see what is coming, so am off to watch some NEXT gameplay I got recommended, right after writing this.

So with gaming out of the way I can look at some music stuff. I introduced hopefully two, but definitely one person to a band called Dirtwire, intriguing sounds remininscent of a rustic badlands from borderlands type vibe. I urge you to check them out, if you’re a fan don’t be shy say hi in the comments!

I’ll leave you with a final thought, time is ticking, we ae getting ever closer to the first female lead of Doctor Who, also shes from my hometown, what a win!

Thanks for reading,


If I could

If I could be how I wanted, do what I wanted, with full freedom and no limits.

If I could live like that

I’d rave on a weekend, to the hardest styles, party with my people until I needed to rest.

I’d make music and game during the week, entertain the masses the join in the quest. Watch the shows I love, follow the people I love, be with the woman I love, treat her and the friends I love to the most amazing times, because there would be no limits.

Cash would not be a problem, time would be no issue, conflicting priorities wouldn’t even matter, this can never be, so we do the best we can.

But I would do so much more if I could.

Rave on, stay safe, party hard!




Just secretly happy about something, walking through life with a spring in my step. Getting advice about what do next, I can only tie myself up in knots. An opportunity possibly, a disaster maybe, will I take it never, because I am to worried, too worried about if I’m reading this wrong, if what she says is true, if what he thinks is right, that I shouldn’t even be thinking about it, that I’m cheating on the woman I love who would advise against it but probably secretly be hoping I go for it and it works out, so I’m no longer in her life. I never asked for it to pan out this way, or did I? When I first met you saw the line, stood well back, all the while wondering, what if it wasn’t there, would it happen, could it work, now I know you and there isn’t the same desire, but a growing friendship, all the while seeing that line wobble, cracks appear, still standing back, secretly hoping but knowing that what must be, must be, trying not to get involved because it is none of my business, but wanting to know, just in case.

But I digress, that is but a fictional possibility because I am me, that opportunity never comes to me, that opportunity was given to him.

Reflecting on the name . . .

Hi guys, hope all is well, or as good as it can be for all my readers. Just wanted to deliberate on my alias AlwaysMuteTheWeirdo, I feel it is growing more in meaning for me and adding layers that I never expected.

AlwaysMuteTheWeirdo, started off as a name I gave to myself for a future I envisioned a twitch and gamer moniker inspired by Soprano Pictures. A guy who did videos under a character that was if I’m not mistaken down syndrome, or at least some condition that would have a different voice and maybe learning difficulties, he used it to comedic affect and generally take the mick out of normal people for trying to bully him and/or just for fun I guess, it was great stuff.

When playing call of duty, give it time, I can be the most ragiest, funniest, also annoying player you will come across, not my words, or sentiments, I think I blend it rather blandly to the toxic landscape but I do admit I can often go off on a tangent, like a Ross Noble powered gay parade. I have a higher pitch at times, struggle to breathe and can be annoying, sometimes I say stuff that doesn’t make sense. So I figured I’d use that and create my own channel. Not gonna lie, though I have done this, my focus has never been on call of duty or games that might produce this magic. I tend to stream Rimworld, No Man’s Sky and other random indie titles these days. Still wonder if it is time to get back to my original plan of competitive multiplayer, or me getting owned online in some fashion. On a side note americans love me, british hate me it seems, not exclusively no doubt!!

My name has I said developed layers, often people comment on my name in twitch chat, I think I chose well. Aside from that I thought tonight as I came to my blog, but really it does often feel to me like I am a bit of a weirdo and with my social awkwardness and lack of confidence, partly due to dyspraxia, I am somewhat muted, I prefer to communicate like this sometimes, though it isn’t always easy to get things understood.

So who knows maybe more layers will be added, maybe the original idea will be realised, I have to confess I dropped call of duty as a franchise, due to flying faery fun time and a recycled microtransaction pay wall and loot box bullshit algorhythm that really bores me to tears. I am keenly awaiting the next Borderlands game and have plans for that already, so eyes peeled, salt at the ready if you know what I mean!

Anyhoo just wanted to share my thoughts this evening as I go to fix the last poem I posted, hope you like the changes.



Rescue Me

Someone come and rescue me, from the depths of my heart.

Someone slid into my soul and then gave me a red card.

I’ve tried to escape and break free, feel trapped inside my own fart

I cannot see a light anymore, the world has all gone dark.


I cannot forgive myself, no matter how I try

Everything that happens confirms that I should stop asking why

Even my dreams haunt me, nightmares they could be

Although my friends surround me, they don’t know how to help me.


Addicted and in this I find

My only solace, my only passion

Well almost I must add

There is one key, one chance if I can, I might.

Music, music is key my friend to

Rescuing my mind.

Tough Decision, still working on it

So guys, I just had my birthday and have been thinking what to spend my money on, been watching a lot of videos on the steel tongue drums, hangpans and  handpans. Researched into it, the making of them and struggling to understand how some can cost £200ish and some over £1000.

So far I really like the GUDA Drum Freeezbee model, the RAV Vast models and the traditional original hangpan. I can’t afford much more than the £200 if I’m honest. I was hoping not to spend more than £250 if possible.

I like the flexibility and sounds of the RAV Vast selection but the price is a bit too steep, the same with the original hangpans. GUDA drums, seem to have a nice design, similar to the rav vast in quality but smaller.

I am no closer to deciding on a scale it is the toughest part I feel. I think for now I will try invest in a GUDA, a decent design, good quality and hopefully a gig bag as I may have somewhere to play if I get good enough otherwise good to take to the park to play there. In my research so far, I have seemed to favour a B scale, but not always. usually minor, but again not always. I liked the exotic scales, African, Shang Diao, well let’s just say I may need all the time to figure this out.

Hopefully in a few months however I will own one.


Thank for reading,