Still struggling with losing a friend somewhat, recently an old friend and neighbour passed, I only found out over a month or so after, I don’t how to feel, but the one person I could always run to, I can’t run to.
I sit here typing this now because time and time again, just like tonight, I am shown whether exaggerated or not through my current state, that I am less important and less bothered about by friends than I bother with them, I get told the i’ll be there, get in touch cliche remarks, when shit is truely going to pot, they do seem to show up, but honestly I can’t say it feels great knowing life has to get to rock bottom before someone wants to get in touch or hang out, or maybe they feel pressured into hanging out, if I am really that boring, annoying or hard to be friends with, can you just tell me or say bye or something? I’m not perfect but this getting so frustrating and all I can do is type away to the unknown readers, I am not a flakey person, I don’t do flakey, I’m loyal, but is it at a fault these days, it seems so.
I’m not saying everyone I know is such a twat or that there aren’t good people in my life, but I refuse to be flakey like some people seem to be with me, if you need me even though I chose to walk away, even though you knew I needed to, I’ll still be on the other end of that phone, or with a brew to hand for you, as you know I’m not a big drinker of brews, but I refuse to flake on you even though I need to move on, it won’t ever stop hurting but when I feel the flake from others, I can’t imagine how you might feel, but I hope you read this and know I’m always here, thinking of you, wishing I didn’t have to do this.
So it’s been a while since I blogged my tangents stuff, life is a bit of a tangent for me right now, so I figured i’d revisit this style, I am currently in a good job, it’s not perfect but if it keeps going, I’ll be set to springboard from here, which is satisfying considering for years I never thought I’d manage to be where I am now.
I recently lost a friend, well for the time being, not a choice I wanted to make, i’m still struggling to stick to it, they ain’t dead, least I hope not, but I wasn’t in the right place for them, I was relying on them too much and it was hurting me, it was their idea but I don’t think they wanted or liked it, I owe them a lot, once am in the right place I hope to rebuild that bridge, still a little difficult, don’t think I’d have the strength to hold them off if they came back, honestly not a day goes by when I don’t wish we were still talking.
I’m debating whether to try my hand at paella, or as the spanish would prefer probably a spanish themed rice dish of my own design. I would probably go with Prawn and Chorizo with peppers, I’m not a fan of peas, though I did try paella from El Ranchito recently and that had peas in it, I was so keen on getting some I went to the only place I knew did it for takeaway. I’ve never been a massive fan of rice but over the years I’ve found dishes I love, egg fried rice, jasmine rice, with the right curry I am getting into it, think it stemmed from my dad not liking it.
Sticking with food, Hummus is proving addictive, recently tried smoked Hummus, not that keen, but it was nice to try it, think my favourites are sweet chill, red pepper or caramelised onion Hummus, if you like Hummus i’d definitely try something new, even sampled a morrocan one, with apricot, was interesting.
Picked up a nice new wallet from Thailand, made out of hemp, ideal for changes and notes, terrible for cards, just doesn’t support them as you can’t close it up once you put them in, but had to replace my other one as the zip on the change slot broke.
Well I think i’d like to wrap this up with some TV goings on, so Game of Thrones is back so far just setting the seen, good to have new episodes to watch though and am enjoying it so far. Then WW, not so keen on the way certain people are being used, seems Vince is a bit out of touch, some good stuff, like the fashion police, though I think they are stalling, might falter and fizzle then die, Brock Lesnar needs to drop that title at Summerslam, preferrably to Samoa Joe but Braun is an ok option too. Finally the elephant in the universe, The Doctor will next be played by a woman, Jodie Whittaker, she’s from my home town, I didn’t exactly jump for joy though. I have already taken some flak for my initial reaction, I was angry. Personally I feel the BBC is capitlizing on the current gender focused issues across the globe, the feminazis are out in force, I use that term, because true Feminists would not be as aggressive as I have experienced, sometimes its passive aggressive, but either way I have my opinion and you all have yours. I hope she does well, I look forward to anyone in the role, but always get a bit edgy at first as I am passionate and get heavily involved in speculating who it is going to be.
Thanks for reading,
Think of me, if you see those pearly gates, laying down here without you.
No, think of me before you go to those pearly gates, not yet, not now, think of me.
Think of me, because for many years I haven’t stopped thinking of you.
Think of me, before you leave us all because you are not a timelord, if you don’t you will never think of me again, but I will go on thinking of you!
So I am in a strange patch of my life, where alcohol is a lot more common, only in a binge one night thing, stress is probably high but I’d never know how to measure it, I just plod on through life, because we have to right? I have a friend, a best friend if you will who never gets a break, she means the world to me and I can’t help her, so I sit here and write, share with the world because all I can do is let it out, because I can’t talk to her, she needs this time.
Usually when I am in this state I write like crazy, make music, watch Harry Potter, other nerdy things and if I’m lucky inspiration strikes and I write some of the most amazing stuff, be it some sound or some words. I’m not sure if it is because I no longer take any recreational drugs unless you count alcohol, but I can’t go back to taking those, not until I no longer need to work. I wish I could smoke that spliff with a certain american lady, pop that pill with my best friend I never took anything with, but it wasn’t to be, I look to find other pleasures life has left me, music is a massive part of that, whether listening to it or making some weird soundscapes in my studio.
It pains me that I see so many people suffering these days but hell should I be so surprised seen as I have been one of them for over ten years. I am often an open book, I don’t ever want to change that, I have to be a little more cautious now, I made some mistakes, I’m not proud, but I’m not ashamed, I’m human, we all do.
Just to quote Doctor Who “YANA”
Thanks for reading.
Woah, it has apparently been 9 years since I joined wordpress, I originally started through a local college, where I studied new media, including music technology, which in a word was one of the best decisions in my life. I owe it all to my recreational drug use really, I’m not ashamed or proud of that period of my life, I loved it but it was a rollercoaster and it has opened my mind and heart a lot, making it equally more amazing and tough to soldier on in life these days.
I wanted to write something today and only came to realise the above because of the notification that I past that 9 year mark recently. I wanted to share about how my mind often races, giving me so many amazing ideas, too many and limiting it seems me to that phase of the process. The ideas flood to me constantly but being able to sort them and fine tune one to make it something special seems alien, seems unattainable. Often I find it easier to just waffle on and hope for the best.
At the minute I am playing at least 10 games, across PC, PS4 and Android devices, in my desire to get back into making music I recently picked up a Push 2, expensive as it is, I just wanted the freedom it offered and to try revitalize my musical muscles, it has not yet worked, but with a full time job it is hard to find the arsity if I’m honest. My brain doesn’t stop at that however, I saw a post from a new friend of mine, about her going into acting and my ideas of writing for Doctor Who resurfaced, I always wanted to write for Doctor Who or my own novel or some fan fiction for one of my many fandoms, an ultimate mashup of Potter, The Doctor and Borderlands worlds’ in a weird crossover but as I said the ideas flood me and seem to paralyse me to the mundane working week and must do something fun of the weekend or evenings.
I sit typing, knowing that I am capable of so much more, will it be this year I am free to act, or will I remain trapped by my own paralysis!
I couldn’t think of a worthy title, so that is just a sort of loose them to the rant I am about to divulge, for life is sending me the urges to write.
Life isn’t the worst it has been for me right now, but it might well be the toughest I can remeber in recent times, the hardest to figure out. I have a good job, as uncertain as my future is, through no fault of my own and my place and technology is somewhat in a good place right now.
Life just seems to be bringing me down to the darkest depths of myself. Every once in a while I get a repeat episode a reminder, I am not where I should be, a sinking, gut feeling that something is wrong. It links back to some counselling I had many years ago, circles and also is a similar feeling to when I was having anxiety/panic attacks after Doctor Who which I forced myself to power through as Doctor Who is my favourite tv show since I started watching it back at the beginning of Nu Who. Twice when I have been playing Prison Architect now have I got this feeling of circles, I’m not sure if it is anything to worry about but I am curious what it is. I am a very curious person, I like learning to understand myself, life in general but often stuff goes over my head because who is there to explain something only you can feel.
Stress, could it be just as simple as that, but lots of people have it worse than I, surely it can’t be that. When I add up all what is going on, it is no wonder I am struggling, but uncertainty with my job, women, the lack of, the lack of understanding and the luck of it all, a friend who is always there but can be really annoying but can’t help it sometimes, a friend who is hopeless at being a friend because he listens only to where his next bag of weed comes from, a friend who I know cares but our schedules rarely allow for us to hang out much, a friend who I am crazy about but know it will never happen, in all honesty the lack of interaction on my gaming videos or blog posts, the fact that the people I want to care just don’t seem to want to hang out or do anything and the people I know do care, I get fed up with, knowing you are addicted to playing games, but knowing it is the only thing keeping you going, justifying that if you didn’t game would you not just sit and watch x y and z programme, basically doing the same thing but not doing anything but vegetate. Knowing you have at least some modicum of musical talent but not being able to use it because in order to get the new controller you need a full time job and with one you have little desire to churn out track after track even a single loop is a challenge with the little time and timing your brain decides to give you, getting an idea late at night when you should be going to sleep. The list started off so small and yet now I feel I could go on forever, the lack of ability to feel like you can push your weight in the right direction, knowing some of the stuff you eat is really bad, but you love it and it tastes so good, or that the stuff that you know could help you tastes so vile, celery damn you! I am definitely not Ron Weasley, my emotional range is far greater than a teaspoon but damn it would be nice to just one or two days a week feel nothing but what needs to be done, what i am going to do and how it is going happen. I often fear I may share a little too much when I write, I merely hope to relieve some of this unstable mind so that I can right myself someday.
I hope if someone wants to share they never feel they can not, cos I would to bottle my entire life up forever.
Yes we made it, 2017, a brand new year people, this is just a quick post to say Happy New Year, eager to see what 2017 holds, this is a big year for me really, the big 30 is upon me and I will spending my first birthday outside of england, far as I can remember anyway.
So what does 2017 hold for Pixc, well hopefully an Ableton Push 2 and some motivation and discipline to get back into making some beats. I ain’t making any promises I have claimed for the last three years at least that this would be my musical year, the year I take it to new heights but it hasn’t quite happened yet. I do hope that I can be a little more disciplined this year that’s for sure.
As some of you will know I am a heavy gamer, some would argue an addict. I lots track of time for the first time in a long time playing a game, Prison Architect, I just got immersed in the story, for a game that is essentially more about the building of a prison, it was quite a surprise. I looked at the clock to find it was 4am, whoops! I still think there may be a place for me in youtube or twitch to carve out some sort of niche for myself, but I’m less confident, it is tough going, if you watch me. Thanks for your support, it means a lot. I think focusing on one platform would be a great idea, but unforunately YouTube makes it really hard for a small time youtuber to make anything out of posting content online unless you are lucky enough to have tonnes of fans and well Twitch is very limited in who it reaches I guess, more people are willing to have a youtube account and comment on videos, subscribe to channels etc.
So who knows what 2017 might bring, let’s hope it’s a good un eh!