Do I stay or do I go?
I can’t give up, I don’t want to give up
Surely if it was going to happen it has had enough time?
But if the timing hasn’t been right, might it be in the future?
What ifs and but this and that, I’ll never stop hoping
If someone would just come along and drag me away
How could I even think that? Why would I even consider that?
I don’t deserve her, hang on a minute, she doesn’t deserve me
How could I even think that of her, what is happening to me
She told me to go, but she obviously doesn’t want me to
So there is hope, nope she wants something else, she needs you but its not the same
But I can’t it’s all or nothing, wait that is silly, would you not rather have her in your life?
I don’t know, Shroedingers Cat? Yeah exactly, we should try it, then I will know?
I didn’t last, I caved, I can’t have what I want, but I can give her what she wants
But never settle I said, never settle, I now have to
Where is she? Will she rescue me? Would I even want her to?
What kind of bullshit is this, wanting someone to rescue you from this?
How could you even expect anyone to be ok with this?
Also you try and try and try again, they don’t stick around or you push them away
So what that’s it, no answers?
Nope just question and you, focus on you if you can
Well that’s ironic
a short mind dump about where my head is at right now and kind of a conversation I have with myself often
Thanks for reading,
So just about to finish my week off from work, well plus two days, it’s actually those two days that were more enjoyable, the rest of it, I felt like I mostly wasted it, but I got chance to game, stay up late, lie in, ruin my routine even though I said I wanted to keeep to it and try churn out some videos for my channel.
Admittedly I did get a fair few videos done, Rimworld has seen some serious attention again, which I must admit is one of my favourite games of all time, especially when you add the mods to it. Feel free to go check out my channel to see why.
Aside from that trying to take steps in disciplining myelf not only with housework and general stuff, but my love life, is proving a tough task. I’m not sure if it is my dyspraxia but my emotions are strong and mixed, anger seething through but wrapped up in some kind of cosy blanket of sadness mixed with happiness and the ocassional sprinkling of excitement and dread, I can’t seem to chill out, I don’t want to be numb, but just once every so often I’d like a break. Hopefully have some good news when I return to work tomorrow.
In the mean time still working on my discipline and routine. I want to get organised, I often feel like though I like my job, I don’t want to do it at the expense of doing what I love, gaming, making music and streaming it all. It is a hard nut to crack, I’m no expert and I’m certainly no Jack Septiceye or Markyplier.
So I keep learning from everyone I come into contact with and everyone I stay in contact with, I learn from my own experiences and try and reach the next level if you will,, the next success, soon one challenge might be complete one that gives a grounding from which to build. Discipline has so far eluded me, I want to conquer it, a song I find quite catchy has some wise words, uneexpectedly in it. About your mental health and physical health being connected, I’ll drop the video below.
Thank for reading!
Still struggling with losing a friend somewhat, recently an old friend and neighbour passed, I only found out over a month or so after, I don’t how to feel, but the one person I could always run to, I can’t run to.
I sit here typing this now because time and time again, just like tonight, I am shown whether exaggerated or not through my current state, that I am less important and less bothered about by friends than I bother with them, I get told the i’ll be there, get in touch cliche remarks, when shit is truely going to pot, they do seem to show up, but honestly I can’t say it feels great knowing life has to get to rock bottom before someone wants to get in touch or hang out, or maybe they feel pressured into hanging out, if I am really that boring, annoying or hard to be friends with, can you just tell me or say bye or something? I’m not perfect but this getting so frustrating and all I can do is type away to the unknown readers, I am not a flakey person, I don’t do flakey, I’m loyal, but is it at a fault these days, it seems so.
I’m not saying everyone I know is such a twat or that there aren’t good people in my life, but I refuse to be flakey like some people seem to be with me, if you need me even though I chose to walk away, even though you knew I needed to, I’ll still be on the other end of that phone, or with a brew to hand for you, as you know I’m not a big drinker of brews, but I refuse to flake on you even though I need to move on, it won’t ever stop hurting but when I feel the flake from others, I can’t imagine how you might feel, but I hope you read this and know I’m always here, thinking of you, wishing I didn’t have to do this.
So it’s been a while since I blogged my tangents stuff, life is a bit of a tangent for me right now, so I figured i’d revisit this style, I am currently in a good job, it’s not perfect but if it keeps going, I’ll be set to springboard from here, which is satisfying considering for years I never thought I’d manage to be where I am now.
I recently lost a friend, well for the time being, not a choice I wanted to make, i’m still struggling to stick to it, they ain’t dead, least I hope not, but I wasn’t in the right place for them, I was relying on them too much and it was hurting me, it was their idea but I don’t think they wanted or liked it, I owe them a lot, once am in the right place I hope to rebuild that bridge, still a little difficult, don’t think I’d have the strength to hold them off if they came back, honestly not a day goes by when I don’t wish we were still talking.
I’m debating whether to try my hand at paella, or as the spanish would prefer probably a spanish themed rice dish of my own design. I would probably go with Prawn and Chorizo with peppers, I’m not a fan of peas, though I did try paella from El Ranchito recently and that had peas in it, I was so keen on getting some I went to the only place I knew did it for takeaway. I’ve never been a massive fan of rice but over the years I’ve found dishes I love, egg fried rice, jasmine rice, with the right curry I am getting into it, think it stemmed from my dad not liking it.
Sticking with food, Hummus is proving addictive, recently tried smoked Hummus, not that keen, but it was nice to try it, think my favourites are sweet chill, red pepper or caramelised onion Hummus, if you like Hummus i’d definitely try something new, even sampled a morrocan one, with apricot, was interesting.
Picked up a nice new wallet from Thailand, made out of hemp, ideal for changes and notes, terrible for cards, just doesn’t support them as you can’t close it up once you put them in, but had to replace my other one as the zip on the change slot broke.
Well I think i’d like to wrap this up with some TV goings on, so Game of Thrones is back so far just setting the seen, good to have new episodes to watch though and am enjoying it so far. Then WW, not so keen on the way certain people are being used, seems Vince is a bit out of touch, some good stuff, like the fashion police, though I think they are stalling, might falter and fizzle then die, Brock Lesnar needs to drop that title at Summerslam, preferrably to Samoa Joe but Braun is an ok option too. Finally the elephant in the universe, The Doctor will next be played by a woman, Jodie Whittaker, she’s from my home town, I didn’t exactly jump for joy though. I have already taken some flak for my initial reaction, I was angry. Personally I feel the BBC is capitlizing on the current gender focused issues across the globe, the feminazis are out in force, I use that term, because true Feminists would not be as aggressive as I have experienced, sometimes its passive aggressive, but either way I have my opinion and you all have yours. I hope she does well, I look forward to anyone in the role, but always get a bit edgy at first as I am passionate and get heavily involved in speculating who it is going to be.
Thanks for reading,
Think of me, if you see those pearly gates, laying down here without you.
No, think of me before you go to those pearly gates, not yet, not now, think of me.
Think of me, because for many years I haven’t stopped thinking of you.
Think of me, before you leave us all because you are not a timelord, if you don’t you will never think of me again, but I will go on thinking of you!
So I am in a strange patch of my life, where alcohol is a lot more common, only in a binge one night thing, stress is probably high but I’d never know how to measure it, I just plod on through life, because we have to right? I have a friend, a best friend if you will who never gets a break, she means the world to me and I can’t help her, so I sit here and write, share with the world because all I can do is let it out, because I can’t talk to her, she needs this time.
Usually when I am in this state I write like crazy, make music, watch Harry Potter, other nerdy things and if I’m lucky inspiration strikes and I write some of the most amazing stuff, be it some sound or some words. I’m not sure if it is because I no longer take any recreational drugs unless you count alcohol, but I can’t go back to taking those, not until I no longer need to work. I wish I could smoke that spliff with a certain american lady, pop that pill with my best friend I never took anything with, but it wasn’t to be, I look to find other pleasures life has left me, music is a massive part of that, whether listening to it or making some weird soundscapes in my studio.
It pains me that I see so many people suffering these days but hell should I be so surprised seen as I have been one of them for over ten years. I am often an open book, I don’t ever want to change that, I have to be a little more cautious now, I made some mistakes, I’m not proud, but I’m not ashamed, I’m human, we all do.
Just to quote Doctor Who “YANA”
Thanks for reading.
Woah, it has apparently been 9 years since I joined wordpress, I originally started through a local college, where I studied new media, including music technology, which in a word was one of the best decisions in my life. I owe it all to my recreational drug use really, I’m not ashamed or proud of that period of my life, I loved it but it was a rollercoaster and it has opened my mind and heart a lot, making it equally more amazing and tough to soldier on in life these days.
I wanted to write something today and only came to realise the above because of the notification that I past that 9 year mark recently. I wanted to share about how my mind often races, giving me so many amazing ideas, too many and limiting it seems me to that phase of the process. The ideas flood to me constantly but being able to sort them and fine tune one to make it something special seems alien, seems unattainable. Often I find it easier to just waffle on and hope for the best.
At the minute I am playing at least 10 games, across PC, PS4 and Android devices, in my desire to get back into making music I recently picked up a Push 2, expensive as it is, I just wanted the freedom it offered and to try revitalize my musical muscles, it has not yet worked, but with a full time job it is hard to find the arsity if I’m honest. My brain doesn’t stop at that however, I saw a post from a new friend of mine, about her going into acting and my ideas of writing for Doctor Who resurfaced, I always wanted to write for Doctor Who or my own novel or some fan fiction for one of my many fandoms, an ultimate mashup of Potter, The Doctor and Borderlands worlds’ in a weird crossover but as I said the ideas flood me and seem to paralyse me to the mundane working week and must do something fun of the weekend or evenings.
I sit typing, knowing that I am capable of so much more, will it be this year I am free to act, or will I remain trapped by my own paralysis!