Today I found myself popping to Tesco to get my ingredients for Harrira, a recipe given to me by a friend early this week, looking forwarding to it, eager to spend today writing, gaming/streaming, cooking this dish and generally enjoying myself, but constantly hounded by this “black dog” or “dark cloud” reminding me what I really want to be doing, or rather who I really want to be doing it with, if you pardon the pun.
I use this blog as an escape, an exit path for all the negative or darker thoughts, sometimes the nice ones too, but to reflect on the past, present and future. A friend of mine is heading out a new adventure, scary stuff I’m not sure I could deal with, so good luck to her!
Trying to eat a bit healthier from now on, though not being strict about it as last night was a takeaway which I am still polishing off today. Curry on a pizza has got to be one of my favourite takeaway dishes these days.
So streaming, what’s coming? Well I think Don’t Starve will be my main game at the moment, I got back into it and am loving it trying to get better at fighting mobs and learn fully how to heal up, it feels like I may need to use the PC version to learn what is really useful using mods then get back on console, or maybe I use my xbox pad on pc? who knows. Check my channel here.
Thanks for reading guys,
Pixc aka AlwaysMuteTheWeirdo
So, almost the end of another year, figured as I am still awake, a little reflection is in order. This year has flown by, I don’t remember much of the details, not sure if that is because of my foggy focus this late in the year or just that nothing much interesting has happened.
I did hit 300+ hours into Rimworld one of my favourite games ever now, what a beauty! I am looking into changing up my diet, trying to be healthier, mainly as I have put on a lot of weight over the last few years and would like to at least lose a bit of that. I did need to gain some, but not as much as this dammit! I also figure losing a bit will benefit me not only physically but mentally too. Owe that life lesson to Promoe – Fit Haffi Fit or something, great song, sure I shared it in another post.
Music was my goal this year, it has not happened although I did pick up a Push 2, which I have yet to dive deep into, I want still to get back on the proverbial saddle so to speak, of music production and finish some tracks, but it is not easy working a full time job and gaming when I can to squeeze it all in, trying to be more social too, last few months have been a success on that score spent more time out of the house hanging out than in a very long time.
Highlights more recently included staying out Christmas Eve drinking til 4am ish then not getting back to my folks til nearly 8am, doing Christmas Day on less than 2 hours sleep. To be honest these days Christmas just feels weak, nothing special. Sad but true I guess. Going to Egypt for my 30th was a real treat, didn’t do the whole touristy egypty things, pyramids etc, but for March, the weather was great, food was great, two amazing birthday cakes courtesy of Makadi Spa Hotel and the Thai Restaurant in the sister hotel.
It has been a pleasure to help at least two close friends of mine with their own life struggles, they have helped me in return too might I add. Much appreciated. Through all the ups and downs of the year, thanks to all who shared with me, all that have lead me to it and to those suffering at this difficult time of year, YANA!
Thanks for reading,
End of the year is upon us, for me this has been one of the fastest, trying not to focus on the bad has been a challenge, work is uncertain, friends sometimes unreliable, love hard to come by. I know a lot of people can relate, music, is one of few salvations for me, i bought a new push 2 bjt am het to fully dive in to it.
Balance, discipline and focus do not come easy to me, i hope for this to change. One other thing tied to that is my diet and general health, i want to cut out processed meats, eat better and exercise more, but for me.
I could go on but i fear i would rant negativity and waffle emotionally, change is coming i promise you that
work in a place where they breed robots, to control the cattle, to the slaughter when times get together, life still rolls on, tease a possibility of me and you then i must come down, every song a pull, every realization it won’t ever be what i dreamt of, heart in a vice, mind under pressure, body strained, just words nothing i can say
Figured I’d throw something a little different out there. I don’t know how many of my readers, people who just drop by or might read this one post and never come back will read this, but here goes. How many of you liked Heroes or Misfits or like something different, how many of you just want something new to watch?
Well if you haven’t already, there is a show with currently two seasons on Netflix and a special is in the works. I hear that the writer has a third season being wrote, possibly even finished, but Netflix is not too keen on renewing it. I hope that this can change, I want to level with you, I want to be straight.
I was a massive fan of heroes, it did get overly complicated and I can relate if you don’t feel another show in a similar vein is for you. Hear me out, the plot is that a group of humans, are reborn as sens8s which means they are connected, in a sort of cluster which can share skills, I won’t go into too much detail but it is an emotional rollercoaster. When I first started watching it took a little wrapping my head around, stick with it, it is worth it in the end. I compared it instantly to Misfits and Heroes for it’s unique ideas, the show deserves to go further than the two seasons. I think the problem is Netflix need to see statistics and numbers, I’d even expect it may show elsewhere if not, but if you do have Netflix, please give it a try. If you like it, I’d love for you drop a comment on here or tell some friends to watch it, I converted at least one friend already to get in on it.
Thanks for reading,
Do I stay or do I go?
I can’t give up, I don’t want to give up
Surely if it was going to happen it has had enough time?
But if the timing hasn’t been right, might it be in the future?
What ifs and but this and that, I’ll never stop hoping
If someone would just come along and drag me away
How could I even think that? Why would I even consider that?
I don’t deserve her, hang on a minute, she doesn’t deserve me
How could I even think that of her, what is happening to me
She told me to go, but she obviously doesn’t want me to
So there is hope, nope she wants something else, she needs you but its not the same
But I can’t it’s all or nothing, wait that is silly, would you not rather have her in your life?
I don’t know, Shroedingers Cat? Yeah exactly, we should try it, then I will know?
I didn’t last, I caved, I can’t have what I want, but I can give her what she wants
But never settle I said, never settle, I now have to
Where is she? Will she rescue me? Would I even want her to?
What kind of bullshit is this, wanting someone to rescue you from this?
How could you even expect anyone to be ok with this?
Also you try and try and try again, they don’t stick around or you push them away
So what that’s it, no answers?
Nope just question and you, focus on you if you can
Well that’s ironic
a short mind dump about where my head is at right now and kind of a conversation I have with myself often
Thanks for reading,
So just about to finish my week off from work, well plus two days, it’s actually those two days that were more enjoyable, the rest of it, I felt like I mostly wasted it, but I got chance to game, stay up late, lie in, ruin my routine even though I said I wanted to keeep to it and try churn out some videos for my channel.
Admittedly I did get a fair few videos done, Rimworld has seen some serious attention again, which I must admit is one of my favourite games of all time, especially when you add the mods to it. Feel free to go check out my channel to see why.
Aside from that trying to take steps in disciplining myelf not only with housework and general stuff, but my love life, is proving a tough task. I’m not sure if it is my dyspraxia but my emotions are strong and mixed, anger seething through but wrapped up in some kind of cosy blanket of sadness mixed with happiness and the ocassional sprinkling of excitement and dread, I can’t seem to chill out, I don’t want to be numb, but just once every so often I’d like a break. Hopefully have some good news when I return to work tomorrow.
In the mean time still working on my discipline and routine. I want to get organised, I often feel like though I like my job, I don’t want to do it at the expense of doing what I love, gaming, making music and streaming it all. It is a hard nut to crack, I’m no expert and I’m certainly no Jack Septiceye or Markyplier.
So I keep learning from everyone I come into contact with and everyone I stay in contact with, I learn from my own experiences and try and reach the next level if you will,, the next success, soon one challenge might be complete one that gives a grounding from which to build. Discipline has so far eluded me, I want to conquer it, a song I find quite catchy has some wise words, uneexpectedly in it. About your mental health and physical health being connected, I’ll drop the video below.
Thank for reading!