So time to share, time to shed a layer off into the world, many who read my blog know I use this as a way to offload shit, get stuff off my chest, express myself, sometimes it can seem pretty dark, I make no apologies, sometimes my emotions are high or low and I need this outlet.
Tonight I snapped, it has been brewing for a long time, I’d had enough, but I immediately regretted it, usually when someone says that it’s cos they hurt someone else, but tonight I hurt me, not physically and it might have hurt someone else too, but for me I went from raging, to broken wreck in 60 seconds, I planned to be asleep early tonight, fat chance now.
Reached a point where after years I want to be free from emotion, daleks, cybermen come at me bro! Seriously though I always hated the idea of anti-depressants, I figured it just masks the shit and makes you not feel, I never wanted that, my emotions have always been unchained free, I liked that about me, I felt it made me human, still do, but maybe I just want a break, or maybe not to have a heart because it feels right now a curse.
When you are likely in love with someone and it’s not reciprocated, when you care for someone so much, they are your best friend, your confidant, your rock, then you realise she might be gone, not only that but you have to agree to it, you have to walk away, you resign yourself to it, but everytime you try you rally, nope you cannot leave her, look at all she’s done for you, look how much she cares, how much she means to you, come on,so you keep going, broken, that is where I am at now, it would be simpler if I could go, that’s not me, it wouldn’t be easy either way, I am still clinging on because I can’t imagine life without her, on any level, I know I want more than I got, but I can’t imagine life without her.
You can’t play on broken strings, here without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do.
Mamny Rivers to Cross, You could meet somebody, rewind, all of me, last request.
Dancing on my own.
In other words, how can I go on without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do, I’ve got many rivers to cross, they say you could meet somebody, but I doubt I will, can’t we just rewind, this is my last request, grant it, let me hold you.
I’m much like the Doctor, I don’t do goodbyes, I don’t do endings, I don’t like them, I always felt like an island, I wish you’d let me be there, while you fix you, I don’t mind if you nag me, I want to know.
How can I let go? Though I know I have to, I want you to stop me, for the right reasons, for me and for you.
You can’t play on broken strings, I know I can’t make your heart feell anything, but if it is buried beneath all your pain, maybe we can find it together.
Today I found myself popping to Tesco to get my ingredients for Harrira, a recipe given to me by a friend early this week, looking forwarding to it, eager to spend today writing, gaming/streaming, cooking this dish and generally enjoying myself, but constantly hounded by this “black dog” or “dark cloud” reminding me what I really want to be doing, or rather who I really want to be doing it with, if you pardon the pun.
I use this blog as an escape, an exit path for all the negative or darker thoughts, sometimes the nice ones too, but to reflect on the past, present and future. A friend of mine is heading out a new adventure, scary stuff I’m not sure I could deal with, so good luck to her!
Trying to eat a bit healthier from now on, though not being strict about it as last night was a takeaway which I am still polishing off today. Curry on a pizza has got to be one of my favourite takeaway dishes these days.
So streaming, what’s coming? Well I think Don’t Starve will be my main game at the moment, I got back into it and am loving it trying to get better at fighting mobs and learn fully how to heal up, it feels like I may need to use the PC version to learn what is really useful using mods then get back on console, or maybe I use my xbox pad on pc? who knows. Check my channel here.
Thanks for reading guys,
Pixc aka AlwaysMuteTheWeirdo
So, almost the end of another year, figured as I am still awake, a little reflection is in order. This year has flown by, I don’t remember much of the details, not sure if that is because of my foggy focus this late in the year or just that nothing much interesting has happened.
I did hit 300+ hours into Rimworld one of my favourite games ever now, what a beauty! I am looking into changing up my diet, trying to be healthier, mainly as I have put on a lot of weight over the last few years and would like to at least lose a bit of that. I did need to gain some, but not as much as this dammit! I also figure losing a bit will benefit me not only physically but mentally too. Owe that life lesson to Promoe – Fit Haffi Fit or something, great song, sure I shared it in another post.
Music was my goal this year, it has not happened although I did pick up a Push 2, which I have yet to dive deep into, I want still to get back on the proverbial saddle so to speak, of music production and finish some tracks, but it is not easy working a full time job and gaming when I can to squeeze it all in, trying to be more social too, last few months have been a success on that score spent more time out of the house hanging out than in a very long time.
Highlights more recently included staying out Christmas Eve drinking til 4am ish then not getting back to my folks til nearly 8am, doing Christmas Day on less than 2 hours sleep. To be honest these days Christmas just feels weak, nothing special. Sad but true I guess. Going to Egypt for my 30th was a real treat, didn’t do the whole touristy egypty things, pyramids etc, but for March, the weather was great, food was great, two amazing birthday cakes courtesy of Makadi Spa Hotel and the Thai Restaurant in the sister hotel.
It has been a pleasure to help at least two close friends of mine with their own life struggles, they have helped me in return too might I add. Much appreciated. Through all the ups and downs of the year, thanks to all who shared with me, all that have lead me to it and to those suffering at this difficult time of year, YANA!
Thanks for reading,
End of the year is upon us, for me this has been one of the fastest, trying not to focus on the bad has been a challenge, work is uncertain, friends sometimes unreliable, love hard to come by. I know a lot of people can relate, music, is one of few salvations for me, i bought a new push 2 bjt am het to fully dive in to it.
Balance, discipline and focus do not come easy to me, i hope for this to change. One other thing tied to that is my diet and general health, i want to cut out processed meats, eat better and exercise more, but for me.
I could go on but i fear i would rant negativity and waffle emotionally, change is coming i promise you that
work in a place where they breed robots, to control the cattle, to the slaughter when times get together, life still rolls on, tease a possibility of me and you then i must come down, every song a pull, every realization it won’t ever be what i dreamt of, heart in a vice, mind under pressure, body strained, just words nothing i can say