Life hits him hard in the face and the gut, maybe a small needle through the tiniest bit of his heart, just twisted slightly to make him wince. He stares at the statuses, looks at the empty chat reel, the lack of notifications, it feels like a metaphor for his empty house, his social life ever constantly there but with no substance, he chases and he tries but it feels like such a choir, is he a bore, is he not worth their time?
He busy himself with games and films, distracts himself with music diving deep into the needle hole he felt earlier, exploring the pain, distraction over, back to drowning in a sea of loneliness, even with her never wavering support, her guiding advice, always tinged with regret that it never quite happened, that it never seems like he has enough to make it happen, shes still there, but he still feels alone.
All the colleagues, friends, family, acquaintances who could be friends, everyone likes him, well almost everyone, he knows there are people who don’t want to know him, have already made up their minds, they don’t like him, some he probably pissed off, wronged or hurt, not that he wanted to, it’s just not in his remit, but he can’t take it back.
He tries to be positive, point out the good things in life, look at how lucky he is, but wait that is good but what about this, what about whats missing, while he marvels at what he has, he looks at what he hasn’t got, dwells on what he didn’t do, or should’ve done, he looks to what he should do but can’t, not what he can, because nobody can stay positive all the time, especially not in a sea of loneliness, numb and drowning in emotions.
Music leaving me breadcrumbs to find, is it game asking me to weather the never ending tide? Broken and bitter, biting my lips as tears fade, must I ask you now? Still I call unanswered, never rely on anyone my conscience says.
Escape to another world every opportunity, once I return still it stands unnerved, it doesn’t falter, not even flinch. Emotions of all kinds, to others a breeze, a ripple or a glow, to me a tidal wave, a hurricane and blaze.
No escape, no straps to pin me back, no seatbelt to save from this ride, this crash this flight as I leave the window of fantasy and smash into reality, no escape, not enough time, too many rules and nobody who plays by them.
I often find myself thinking little snippets of great word play, try to build on it like above, but sometimes it falls flat, I still wanted to share, someone told me I was in a dark place recently, I never felt I was, but usually when I am it helps to write, so maybe you’ll see more from me, in this dark place. Thanks for reading.
She is the light and the dark, the past, the present and future, but he is not hers, well not in the same way. He can’t see past her, can’t see without her, can’t see with her. He knows and he accepts, but still it doesn’t change, trapped in an emotional cage of his own making.
Looking back wonders if he could have changed the outcome, what would have happened, would they still be this close? would he be free? would he be with her still? What if rears it’s ugly head as always, all he wants is to step out of this, one way or another.
Another comes along, a chance to escape, he takes it, it was fake, not what it seemed, another mistake. Once again another chance to escape, once again, another fake, she was there all along helping him through it, trying to help him escape from her, is she who she seems.
They talk and he feels hope all the time, but always it is dashed on the cliffside as soon as he voices it, like she never knew she had given him such a thing.
Still he tries to escape, maybe his heart is not in it, maybe he can’t, either way he’ll keep trying, because she isn’t joining him in that desolate place they call love.
What goes up must come down, as with drugs, as with emotions.
Realise a beautiful high, then suffer in silence.
Even a murderer, exultant in revenge must endure the remainder in pain.
Balance is a fickle weighing scale that constantly fights against our will to be happy.
Often we are ok, this never changes much because it is balanced, we are level.
If we are given great strength but are unable to control it, we will cause damage and suffer ourselves. If we control it, we can see a gain, as long as it is hidden, we will feel the benefit from it.
I just wanted to ramble, balance is on my mind, as this weekend has since saturday night been trying to balance out, what originally was a brilliant weekend.
Thanks for reading,
I have been watching a netflix series, known as Sense8, it is a supernatural thrilling drama, about groups of humans that are connected telepathically in a cluster, born on the same day, they can visit one another, scattered across the world, the story is an emotional rollercoaster, it makes you think that with all that goes on in this world maybe we did lose our way, that maybe there is some chord with nature we severed long ago.
Some people may be aware, I have been posting a lot more recently, not just on wordpress, some who know me personally may have heard more from me, some more than they might like, well I am still in that phase right now, I don’t know why, or even what it is, I can only guess, I am just going with the flow. I am trying to understand me, I read an interesting open letter wrote by someone to their own anxiety riddled brain, it was thought provoking.
http://hellogiggles.com/open-letter-to-my-anxiety i don’t know why but hello giggles seems to have a lot of stuff posted on FB some of it can be good to read.
So yeah I’m now home after going to a friends to watch Walk Among The Tombstones, I felt myself afterwards, weaken in my mind again, it is slightly like a phase I went through when I was watching Dr Who and having these episodes, of feeling unwell afterwards, I faced them down, carried on and they passed, I’m not sure these are as strong, maybe that is why I can’t face them down as easily, but I am finding this, writing, talking to people, helps me get the feelings, thoughts off my mind, I don’t think it completely solves the problem, but it helps provide time for the solution to be prepared.
I think a lot of what doesn’t help, comes from paranoia, I rarely experience this but when it does, I can link it back in my life, I know someone who used to say it feels like the whole world is in on it, plotting against them, I know what she means now, I doubt that what I feel is as strong as what she felt, maybe it just means I was stronger, or maybe she had been through so much more, either way, I know things will improve, they did already, the intensity of the disruption after watching shows or movies, seems minuscule now compared to those massive attacks I dealt with after watching dr who, but compare those to the effect a woman can have on me, in a similar way, through no fault of her own, it is outstanding how intense that becomes for me, I need to understand this part of my condition or even conditions, my mind, because although diagnosed with dyspraxia, my mind does not adhere so strictly to one specific condition I believe.
So I will keep writing, keep learning and keep wrestling with my mind, in the hope that one day I will understand it well enough to relax into my world, or anyone elses.
When you’ve been as low, or as unfulfilled as I have in most departments of my life, for a good few years, then something just happens that changes your attitude, the way you see someone or life in general, you kind of notice, but for me something clicked recently, a spark was set a light and I felt alive again. I want to write something about it and so I’m going to try piece it together.
I didn’t expect this!
I know my heart and my head are agreed, they want to rush into this with you,
I know I need to calm, at least a little believe
But I thought I had no chance, I thought it was gone with you
I’m still scared, paranoid to shit but I’m hopeful that it’ll pass
That one day, I’ll have made it and it’s you i’ll ask
But for now just bare with me while I try to slow down
My head and my heart don’t agree very often, but now they do, it’s hard to argue
I don’t want them to fight, I want this to work out alright,
Just bare with me while I slow down
I’ve not got the best control, but I’ll give it a go,
Maybe you can tell but am crazy about you
I probably seem like a putz, at the moment
But I’m just trying to slow down, keep control but not lose you
All at the same time
So forgive me and if you can
Try help me not fuck this up!
I’m the kind of guy who is sometimes too full on
I can’t help it, I don’t do things by half, if I like you, I like you, and that’s that
That’s not it all though, cos sometimes I’m frozen, I stand there alone
So yeah I’m a little broken, but nobody’s perfect
You can’t say fairer than that
This is not what I thought would happen,
I was sure another girl would be in this song
I’m not complaining, I’m so fucking happy
But I’m still sad, cos I’ll probably fuck it up!