Life hits him hard in the face and the gut, maybe a small needle through the tiniest bit of his heart, just twisted slightly to make him wince. He stares at the statuses, looks at the empty chat reel, the lack of notifications, it feels like a metaphor for his empty house, his social life ever constantly there but with no substance, he chases and he tries but it feels like such a choir, is he a bore, is he not worth their time?
He busy himself with games and films, distracts himself with music diving deep into the needle hole he felt earlier, exploring the pain, distraction over, back to drowning in a sea of loneliness, even with her never wavering support, her guiding advice, always tinged with regret that it never quite happened, that it never seems like he has enough to make it happen, shes still there, but he still feels alone.
All the colleagues, friends, family, acquaintances who could be friends, everyone likes him, well almost everyone, he knows there are people who don’t want to know him, have already made up their minds, they don’t like him, some he probably pissed off, wronged or hurt, not that he wanted to, it’s just not in his remit, but he can’t take it back.
He tries to be positive, point out the good things in life, look at how lucky he is, but wait that is good but what about this, what about whats missing, while he marvels at what he has, he looks at what he hasn’t got, dwells on what he didn’t do, or should’ve done, he looks to what he should do but can’t, not what he can, because nobody can stay positive all the time, especially not in a sea of loneliness, numb and drowning in emotions.
Someone come and rescue me, from the depths of my heart.
Someone slid into my soul and then gave me a red card.
I’ve tried to escape and break free, feel trapped inside my own fart
I cannot see a light anymore, the world has all gone dark.
I cannot forgive myself, no matter how I try
Everything that happens confirms that I should stop asking why
Even my dreams haunt me, nightmares they could be
Although my friends surround me, they don’t know how to help me.
Addicted and in this I find
My only solace, my only passion
Well almost I must add
There is one key, one chance if I can, I might.
Music, music is key my friend to
Rescuing my mind.
So time to share, time to shed a layer off into the world, many who read my blog know I use this as a way to offload shit, get stuff off my chest, express myself, sometimes it can seem pretty dark, I make no apologies, sometimes my emotions are high or low and I need this outlet.
Tonight I snapped, it has been brewing for a long time, I’d had enough, but I immediately regretted it, usually when someone says that it’s cos they hurt someone else, but tonight I hurt me, not physically and it might have hurt someone else too, but for me I went from raging, to broken wreck in 60 seconds, I planned to be asleep early tonight, fat chance now.
Reached a point where after years I want to be free from emotion, daleks, cybermen come at me bro! Seriously though I always hated the idea of anti-depressants, I figured it just masks the shit and makes you not feel, I never wanted that, my emotions have always been unchained free, I liked that about me, I felt it made me human, still do, but maybe I just want a break, or maybe not to have a heart because it feels right now a curse.
When you are likely in love with someone and it’s not reciprocated, when you care for someone so much, they are your best friend, your confidant, your rock, then you realise she might be gone, not only that but you have to agree to it, you have to walk away, you resign yourself to it, but everytime you try you rally, nope you cannot leave her, look at all she’s done for you, look how much she cares, how much she means to you, come on,so you keep going, broken, that is where I am at now, it would be simpler if I could go, that’s not me, it wouldn’t be easy either way, I am still clinging on because I can’t imagine life without her, on any level, I know I want more than I got, but I can’t imagine life without her.
Think of me, if you see those pearly gates, laying down here without you.
No, think of me before you go to those pearly gates, not yet, not now, think of me.
Think of me, because for many years I haven’t stopped thinking of you.
Think of me, before you leave us all because you are not a timelord, if you don’t you will never think of me again, but I will go on thinking of you!
She is the light and the dark, the past, the present and future, but he is not hers, well not in the same way. He can’t see past her, can’t see without her, can’t see with her. He knows and he accepts, but still it doesn’t change, trapped in an emotional cage of his own making.
Looking back wonders if he could have changed the outcome, what would have happened, would they still be this close? would he be free? would he be with her still? What if rears it’s ugly head as always, all he wants is to step out of this, one way or another.
Another comes along, a chance to escape, he takes it, it was fake, not what it seemed, another mistake. Once again another chance to escape, once again, another fake, she was there all along helping him through it, trying to help him escape from her, is she who she seems.
They talk and he feels hope all the time, but always it is dashed on the cliffside as soon as he voices it, like she never knew she had given him such a thing.
Still he tries to escape, maybe his heart is not in it, maybe he can’t, either way he’ll keep trying, because she isn’t joining him in that desolate place they call love.
She or he or it is calling me
Calling me away from all of you
Calling me to my own world
Whether it be alive or dead, I feel the pain pulling at my heartstrings
Telling me, it is time, they do not need you
Is this the call of the devil
The call of the dark side
Or is this the call of a higher power
The call of the master being?
Am I to answer, am I to stay
Is it just pure motivation to succeed?
Someone or something is calling me
I am stood by the phone watching it ring
Decisional Paralysis, wonder if it is a real thing
I just called to check in and realised I’m not done with this,
But I’m walking away and I’m not looking back
I’m so fed up with the answers that I lack
I tried so hard to escape from this trap
I don’t know what to do anymore
I need to be free of this torment, this unfinished business
To me this is hell, not being able to be who I am around you
To me this is pain, feeling I’m not needed or wanted
Just wish things were different but I’m going
But I’m not done with this, I know