Feel so lost, am consumed by rage.
No clue, who can give me answers to this pain.
Seeking love is no fun game
Unreciprocated or not enough its all the same
Keep trying to give it up
Focus on something else
But I’ve had enough
If shes out there, why isn’t she here
Surely if we belong, then we’d be together already
Sharing moments of joy, adventures a plenty
Then there is one who i mentioned already
Clearly important, maybe a little unhealthy
Can’t shake her, won’t leave her
But she’s not ready, or maybe never will be
Not for me
Cos I think as I try to avoid doing just that
I’m not quite good enough
thanks for reading, if you didn’t feel it, read it a little like eminem rapping.
Life hits him hard in the face and the gut, maybe a small needle through the tiniest bit of his heart, just twisted slightly to make him wince. He stares at the statuses, looks at the empty chat reel, the lack of notifications, it feels like a metaphor for his empty house, his social life ever constantly there but with no substance, he chases and he tries but it feels like such a choir, is he a bore, is he not worth their time?
He busy himself with games and films, distracts himself with music diving deep into the needle hole he felt earlier, exploring the pain, distraction over, back to drowning in a sea of loneliness, even with her never wavering support, her guiding advice, always tinged with regret that it never quite happened, that it never seems like he has enough to make it happen, shes still there, but he still feels alone.
All the colleagues, friends, family, acquaintances who could be friends, everyone likes him, well almost everyone, he knows there are people who don’t want to know him, have already made up their minds, they don’t like him, some he probably pissed off, wronged or hurt, not that he wanted to, it’s just not in his remit, but he can’t take it back.
He tries to be positive, point out the good things in life, look at how lucky he is, but wait that is good but what about this, what about whats missing, while he marvels at what he has, he looks at what he hasn’t got, dwells on what he didn’t do, or should’ve done, he looks to what he should do but can’t, not what he can, because nobody can stay positive all the time, especially not in a sea of loneliness, numb and drowning in emotions.
Music leaving me breadcrumbs to find, is it game asking me to weather the never ending tide? Broken and bitter, biting my lips as tears fade, must I ask you now? Still I call unanswered, never rely on anyone my conscience says.
Escape to another world every opportunity, once I return still it stands unnerved, it doesn’t falter, not even flinch. Emotions of all kinds, to others a breeze, a ripple or a glow, to me a tidal wave, a hurricane and blaze.
No escape, no straps to pin me back, no seatbelt to save from this ride, this crash this flight as I leave the window of fantasy and smash into reality, no escape, not enough time, too many rules and nobody who plays by them.
I often find myself thinking little snippets of great word play, try to build on it like above, but sometimes it falls flat, I still wanted to share, someone told me I was in a dark place recently, I never felt I was, but usually when I am it helps to write, so maybe you’ll see more from me, in this dark place. Thanks for reading.
It comes in waves, comes in phases, always the same.
Stressed out, wanting to see you, talking, thinking why are we not?
Realise it’s you, you don’t see it, it doesn’t work for you
I go silent, I want to scream, it won’t change a thing
So I settle, then I spiral, knowing my world crashing round me as that woman who is waiting on me is only getting the silver.
I wish I didn’t want you, I wish you hadn’t rescued me, I wish the next one didn’t need to be so awesome, cos I’m tired
I’m tired of fighting my own heart, because I can’t have what I want, I’m tired of being alone and lost in the dark
It comes in waves and phases, a drunken text that I love you
A snappy retort that you don’t need this.
Realisation that I don’t either but can’t seem to break the habit
Torn between the idea you would get it over with and break my heart clean in two, or take my hand and let me find out if what my heart is fighting for is worth it.
I know you won’t, too nice to live a lie with me or break my heart, not your decision, not your feelings, every song, every love story, every memory, a little more pain and water from my eyes, i’ll just carry on.
I don’t want to go in like this, but I know it will help, but the weather is cold and please let it snow some more.
I don’t want to deal with the hi’s, the how are you’s, the cold weather and the snow, so please let it snow some more.
I don’t want to stare mundanely at a screen doing the same stuff when I could be at home doing what I love, but it pays and I need the money. Just let it snow some more.
Sat hoping for snow, not because I want it, not because it will help, but because the break will do me good, the time I will gain, free time, just only if it snows some more.
The weather outside is snow, the fire is so warm. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! (angry line)
You can’t play on broken strings, here without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do.
Mamny Rivers to Cross, You could meet somebody, rewind, all of me, last request.
Dancing on my own.
In other words, how can I go on without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do, I’ve got many rivers to cross, they say you could meet somebody, but I doubt I will, can’t we just rewind, this is my last request, grant it, let me hold you.
I’m much like the Doctor, I don’t do goodbyes, I don’t do endings, I don’t like them, I always felt like an island, I wish you’d let me be there, while you fix you, I don’t mind if you nag me, I want to know.
How can I let go? Though I know I have to, I want you to stop me, for the right reasons, for me and for you.
You can’t play on broken strings, I know I can’t make your heart feell anything, but if it is buried beneath all your pain, maybe we can find it together.
Do I stay or do I go?
I can’t give up, I don’t want to give up
Surely if it was going to happen it has had enough time?
But if the timing hasn’t been right, might it be in the future?
What ifs and but this and that, I’ll never stop hoping
If someone would just come along and drag me away
How could I even think that? Why would I even consider that?
I don’t deserve her, hang on a minute, she doesn’t deserve me
How could I even think that of her, what is happening to me
She told me to go, but she obviously doesn’t want me to
So there is hope, nope she wants something else, she needs you but its not the same
But I can’t it’s all or nothing, wait that is silly, would you not rather have her in your life?
I don’t know, Shroedingers Cat? Yeah exactly, we should try it, then I will know?
I didn’t last, I caved, I can’t have what I want, but I can give her what she wants
But never settle I said, never settle, I now have to
Where is she? Will she rescue me? Would I even want her to?
What kind of bullshit is this, wanting someone to rescue you from this?
How could you even expect anyone to be ok with this?
Also you try and try and try again, they don’t stick around or you push them away
So what that’s it, no answers?
Nope just question and you, focus on you if you can
Well that’s ironic
a short mind dump about where my head is at right now and kind of a conversation I have with myself often
Thanks for reading,