Woah, it has apparently been 9 years since I joined wordpress, I originally started through a local college, where I studied new media, including music technology, which in a word was one of the best decisions in my life. I owe it all to my recreational drug use really, I’m not ashamed or proud of that period of my life, I loved it but it was a rollercoaster and it has opened my mind and heart a lot, making it equally more amazing and tough to soldier on in life these days.
I wanted to write something today and only came to realise the above because of the notification that I past that 9 year mark recently. I wanted to share about how my mind often races, giving me so many amazing ideas, too many and limiting it seems me to that phase of the process. The ideas flood to me constantly but being able to sort them and fine tune one to make it something special seems alien, seems unattainable. Often I find it easier to just waffle on and hope for the best.
At the minute I am playing at least 10 games, across PC, PS4 and Android devices, in my desire to get back into making music I recently picked up a Push 2, expensive as it is, I just wanted the freedom it offered and to try revitalize my musical muscles, it has not yet worked, but with a full time job it is hard to find the arsity if I’m honest. My brain doesn’t stop at that however, I saw a post from a new friend of mine, about her going into acting and my ideas of writing for Doctor Who resurfaced, I always wanted to write for Doctor Who or my own novel or some fan fiction for one of my many fandoms, an ultimate mashup of Potter, The Doctor and Borderlands worlds’ in a weird crossover but as I said the ideas flood me and seem to paralyse me to the mundane working week and must do something fun of the weekend or evenings.
I sit typing, knowing that I am capable of so much more, will it be this year I am free to act, or will I remain trapped by my own paralysis!
So I have been a little lax in my blog posts recently, but I know this is a normal thing to go through as you blog. I am sure I have had many patches like this before. I just thought I’d update people on what I’m upto.
Having hit a bit of a dip, my emotions tearing me a new one so to speak, trying to seek the counsel of various different people, trying to get myself back on track. getting idea after idea but not gaining any ground, I was told that I should do something, with my primary skill at the moment being writing, I can waffle on and on for ages, most of it is just dribble but sometimes something good comes out. So I am still trying to start that novel I keep thinking of doing, even if it just turns out to be a simple story, not some huge novel.
I found myself reaching a blank, got some ideas, got some paragraphs of random prose, but nothing concrete, gotta start somewhere though right? I’m flooded with doubts about doing certain things, mainly due to my own fandoms I follow and not wanting to step on any toes, I don’t want to become fan fiction but I reckon I’d be hard pressed to avoid relating to the influences writers have had on me. I look at David Gemmell, JK Rowling and then at the Dr Who series as my main influences to get writing something unique. I have toyed with the idea of combining the three, A magical based main character, a wizard of sorts, that can travel through time and space, but is more of a gladiator type character or has some dark backstory.
I feel I need to switch writing mediums as well as once I’m in front of a pc, the fire in my mind gets doused with water and the sparks go out, leaving me with nothing but a dazed look and plenty of time on my hands. So maybe a pad and pencil will better aid my search, which would also need a sturdy folder and my bedroom back. So a little effort today has put me on the right track but, obstacles must be removed, plans for tomorrow made. I think the time for flowing is gone, obsessive nature to flowing, to be redirected into a more structured and productive pattern.
All in all though today has been good, morning phone call with a good friend, incidentally the catalyst to this writing, a trip out again advised by the catalyst, bumping into two of my old neighbours in the village, followed by some typing and this blog post, with a visitor arriving any minute now. Later some gaming and possibly a film, some good grub. No doubt I will read further into “The Deathly Hallows” which I am currently rereading. I really do wish she would continue the books, in the future, follow the kids story or go back to the last war with Voldemort, maybe with him as the main character, or a book with Severus Snape as the main character, or a younger Dumbledore.
So breakfast/lunch time, I’ll try not to make my next visit so far apart
You pull the wool over people’s eyes, they don’t see what I see
The immature, deceptive, fake void that you are
If I had the power and was as corrupt as you
I would have so many ways to deal with you
I can only write about it, as I am not like you
I think I might start with taking you away from everyone, putting you in a maze of glass mirrors
Making the light very dim, so that the shadows play tricks on you
I’d have a few little surprises round the corners, to curdle your stomach
Maybe some maggots, writhing in a bowl of your favourite soup, if you don’t like soup, maybe it’ll be ice cream
Once you are clearly, distressed by this little maze of horrors
I will open the door and whisk you to a place of further isolation, a building on a small island, a high cliff
I’ll tempt you with the lure of your favourite music blasting out
Then as you enter the door will lock and inside will be silence
To think about what you have done, why you are here
I will after sometime get bored of hearing you whimper or whatever your reaction might be
Then I will drop a ladder into the room to haul yourself out of this torment
And into,not the island you entered from but a replica of your garden
A flase sense of security to watch your happy face fall from you
When I reveal the inner workings of a dark cave
Then I will give you a phone and a note
Showing you the exact co-ordinates of where you are
The exact co-ordinates of your own garden are exactly the same
So you can torment yourself by asking everyone who wants to
To try and find you
But they won’t
Not until you realise why you’re here
People sometimes ask me how do I write lyrics where do my ideas come from, where do I start? Well I figured I’d write a little bit about that for people to have that window on my creative process.
When I was younger say from 15 onwards until maybe 20/21 I sometimes took to writing lyrics from some pain or hurt caused by a recent romance, I have on one occassion wrote a special poem/lyrics about a special girl I met on holiday, it was difficult for me as I was inexperienced in that area at the time and just wrote from the heart, she liked it, thought I was sweet but as I was inspired to write it by the fact I saw her with another guy the night before it felt a moot point. I wore my heart on my sleeve then and have come to realise its not always a good idea. I try time and time again to restrain myself and be more relaxed these days. So as I got older I have ended up in my one and only slightly serious relationship, I didn’t write much during this time, I think it was because there was too much going on, a lot of it was good times, but always there was some drama or issue. I missed writing and I think after the relationship broke down I started to get my spark back into writing. I have now seen my writing develop and concentrate more on issues in the world or interests of mine that I’d like to comment on, most recently some will have seen my writing on borderlands, a game that I play on PS3.
I don’t understand how people cannot write about things, I find it ridiculously easy at times to write, it may not be perfect but I can often drag emotion and words out of my mind to put them on paper or screen. I don’t force it though, if I don’t have a lot to say, or if my words seem to be stalling, I leave it and come back later, or don’t bother at all. I’m often getting a few lines in my head randomly and just make a note of them, or draft them here on wordpress. Another way in which I feel my writing is encouraged is by the many books I read, I read mainly Sci-Fi/Fantasy books, notable authors include ; Garth Nix, David Gemmell, Trudi Canavan and JK Rowling.
So I’ll leave you with a short poem or few words to tickle your senses:
Working by candlelight
The old man pondered the words to lift his spirits
A lengthy struggle with his mind ensued
Upon what was right and wrong to post online
When the power returned
I have listened to your music
Pioneers of your time
Watched a documentary
of your succesful creative climb
Wishing I was among you in your own prime
I would love to follow a similar path
Just of my own design
I want to synthesize, compose and record
I want to “tweak” and “jam”
I want to be creative
And to stick it to the man!
Like a match to my heart
In several different meanings
You warm the very being of my soul
And cool the fire in my belly
I am wary for the distance
I am hungry for the future
To see if I can cut the distance
And tie my arms around your waist
Words are flowing out of me like a river never ending
I know of nothing that can stop them
So I just keep on writing
Keep on writing, Keep on writing, Keep on writing.
I do not understand any of this
The feelings are not new to me
But because I hardly know you
I find it hard to believe
This piece is rather structured as I look back up its cliff
Not like my other work
Its sticking to some plan
Made by another hand
Have you instilled this change in me
Or was it already beginning
A new way of working
Forming for a new beginning
Emotions are running high
The stress is leaving me now
I am moving on
Just like others do
The excitement builds of this unknown manager
Fans on the edge of seats
Two semi finals
The villains they are pleased
For a side once great
beaten to its knees
is now going strong in europe
and are now high in the league
Though they didn’t win anything
This was better than expected
from a new manager
from the unknown.
League – 7th (should have been 6th but everton were lucky in last few matches)
LC – 3rd round ( early exit thanks to chelsea how i always get them in league cup i dnt know)
FA Cup – Semi Final ( lost to Man Utd proud of this one as i knocked out Arsenal)
Euro Cup – Semi Final (lost to Valencia on away goals, we were unlucky to not win on home turf)
Good season all in all but somehow second season I can’t sign any players i want, so far
Van Der Vaart signed on loan for Everton
Affellay – won’t come
Walcott, Van persie, Lansbury – offers not accepted
basically i am looking for a right winger but if i can get someone who can play in centre and left aswell that would be useful, also if they are british that would be even better!