Allsorts of Stuff

Latest

Reflecting on the name . . .

Hi guys, hope all is well, or as good as it can be for all my readers. Just wanted to deliberate on my alias AlwaysMuteTheWeirdo, I feel it is growing more in meaning for me and adding layers that I never expected.

AlwaysMuteTheWeirdo, started off as a name I gave to myself for a future I envisioned a twitch and gamer moniker inspired by Soprano Pictures. A guy who did videos under a character that was if I’m not mistaken down syndrome, or at least some condition that would have a different voice and maybe learning difficulties, he used it to comedic affect and generally take the mick out of normal people for trying to bully him and/or just for fun I guess, it was great stuff.

When playing call of duty, give it time, I can be the most ragiest, funniest, also annoying player you will come across, not my words, or sentiments, I think I blend it rather blandly to the toxic landscape but I do admit I can often go off on a tangent, like a Ross Noble powered gay parade. I have a higher pitch at times, struggle to breathe and can be annoying, sometimes I say stuff that doesn’t make sense. So I figured I’d use that and create my own channel. Not gonna lie, though I have done this, my focus has never been on call of duty or games that might produce this magic. I tend to stream Rimworld, No Man’s Sky and other random indie titles these days. Still wonder if it is time to get back to my original plan of competitive multiplayer, or me getting owned online in some fashion. On a side note americans love me, british hate me it seems, not exclusively no doubt!!

My name has I said developed layers, often people comment on my name in twitch chat, I think I chose well. Aside from that I thought tonight as I came to my blog, but really it does often feel to me like I am a bit of a weirdo and with my social awkwardness and lack of confidence, partly due to dyspraxia, I am somewhat muted, I prefer to communicate like this sometimes, though it isn’t always easy to get things understood.

So who knows maybe more layers will be added, maybe the original idea will be realised, I have to confess I dropped call of duty as a franchise, due to flying faery fun time and a recycled microtransaction pay wall and loot box bullshit algorhythm that really bores me to tears. I am keenly awaiting the next Borderlands game and have plans for that already, so eyes peeled, salt at the ready if you know what I mean!

Anyhoo just wanted to share my thoughts this evening as I go to fix the last poem I posted, hope you like the changes.

Pixc

 

Advertisements

Rescue Me

Someone come and rescue me, from the depths of my heart.

Someone slid into my soul and then gave me a red card.

I’ve tried to escape and break free, feel trapped inside my own fart

I cannot see a light anymore, the world has all gone dark.

 

I cannot forgive myself, no matter how I try

Everything that happens confirms that I should stop asking why

Even my dreams haunt me, nightmares they could be

Although my friends surround me, they don’t know how to help me.

 

Addicted and in this I find

My only solace, my only passion

Well almost I must add

There is one key, one chance if I can, I might.

Music, music is key my friend to

Rescuing my mind.

waves and phases

It comes in waves, comes in phases, always the same.

Stressed out, wanting to see you, talking, thinking why are we not?

Realise it’s you, you don’t see it, it doesn’t work for you

I go silent, I want to scream, it won’t change a thing

So I settle, then I spiral, knowing my world crashing round me as that woman who is waiting on me is only getting the silver.

I wish I didn’t want you, I wish you hadn’t rescued me, I wish the next one didn’t need to be so awesome, cos I’m tired

I’m tired of fighting my own heart, because I can’t have what I want, I’m tired of being alone and lost in the dark

It comes in waves and phases, a drunken text that I love you

A snappy retort that you don’t need this.

Realisation that I don’t either but can’t seem to break the habit

Torn between the idea you would get it over with and break my heart clean in two, or take my hand and let me find out if what my heart is fighting for is worth it.

I know you won’t, too nice to live a lie with me or break my heart, not your decision, not your feelings, every song, every love story, every memory, a little more pain and water from my eyes, i’ll just carry on.

Tough Decision, still working on it

So guys, I just had my birthday and have been thinking what to spend my money on, been watching a lot of videos on the steel tongue drums, hangpans and  handpans. Researched into it, the making of them and struggling to understand how some can cost £200ish and some over £1000.

So far I really like the GUDA Drum Freeezbee model, the RAV Vast models and the traditional original hangpan. I can’t afford much more than the £200 if I’m honest. I was hoping not to spend more than £250 if possible.

I like the flexibility and sounds of the RAV Vast selection but the price is a bit too steep, the same with the original hangpans. GUDA drums, seem to have a nice design, similar to the rav vast in quality but smaller.

I am no closer to deciding on a scale it is the toughest part I feel. I think for now I will try invest in a GUDA, a decent design, good quality and hopefully a gig bag as I may have somewhere to play if I get good enough otherwise good to take to the park to play there. In my research so far, I have seemed to favour a B scale, but not always. usually minor, but again not always. I liked the exotic scales, African, Shang Diao, well let’s just say I may need all the time to figure this out.

Hopefully in a few months however I will own one.

 

Thank for reading,

Pixc

 

new sounds

Been a while but I uploaded something new.

Any thoughts please drop a comment here or on soundcloud 🙂

 

Pixc

Raging Tears of a Dyspraxic

So time to share, time to shed a layer off into the world, many who read my blog know I use this as a way to offload shit, get stuff off my chest, express myself, sometimes it can seem pretty dark, I make no apologies, sometimes my emotions are high or low and I need this outlet.

Tonight I snapped, it has been brewing for a long time, I’d had enough, but I immediately regretted it, usually when someone says that it’s cos they hurt someone else, but tonight I hurt me, not physically and it might have hurt someone else too, but for me I went from raging, to broken wreck in 60 seconds, I planned to be asleep early tonight, fat chance now.

Reached a point where after years I want to be free from emotion, daleks, cybermen come at me bro! Seriously though I always hated the idea of anti-depressants, I figured it just masks the shit and makes you not feel, I never wanted that, my emotions have always been unchained free, I liked that about me, I felt it made me human, still do, but maybe I just want a break, or maybe not to have a heart because it feels right now a curse.

When you are likely in love with someone and it’s not reciprocated, when you care for someone so much, they are your best friend, your confidant, your rock, then you realise she might be gone, not only that but you have to agree to it, you have to walk away, you resign yourself to it, but everytime you try you rally, nope you cannot leave her, look at all she’s done for you, look how much she cares, how much she means to you, come on,so you keep going, broken, that is where I am at now, it would be simpler if I could go, that’s not me, it wouldn’t be easy either way, I am still clinging on because I can’t imagine life without her, on any level, I know I want more than I got, but I can’t imagine life without her.

Snow more .. .. ..

I don’t want to go in like this, but I know it will help, but the weather is cold and please let it snow some more.

I don’t want to deal with the hi’s, the how are you’s, the cold weather and the snow, so please let it snow some more.

I don’t want to stare mundanely at a screen doing the same stuff when I could be at home doing what I love, but it pays and I need the money. Just let it snow some more.

Sat hoping for snow, not because I want it, not because it will help, but because the break will do me good, the time I will gain, free time, just only if it snows some more.

The weather outside is snow, the fire is so warm. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! (angry line)