Support me and the rest of the team over at Real Rasslin!

Hi guys,

First of all thanks for taking the time to read my blog, often it’s just ramblings and a relief for me to share stuff, but today I am posting once again my review of this weeks NXT over at Real Rasslin. Please do check it out and feel free to comment what your thoughts were.

My NXT Review

Also we do have our own podcast and do predictions league stuff on the YouTube or just search for Real Rasslin on all your social media.

https://www.realrasslin.net/

Weight of the World

It’s easy to feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, to as humans do think about the negatives more often and let them pile up. I’m having periods of this so often lately. I probably bring a lot of it on myself, but it doesn’t make it any less of an issue or mean it doesn’t matter.

I often think to myself, when I look at my mum or a friend who seems to have all of their shit together, how do they do it? Nobody is perfect but some people just seem to have all their shit together. Equally I know I have a lot of things together, more so than some of my other friends, but in my own little world it does feel like everything falls apart.

Sometimes, though rarely in recent memory, I come here and type away. I busy myself in fun things, gaming, making music and writing for Real Rasslin. I probably have a list as long as me of things I like to do other than the housework. I’m a constant procrastinator, even this is me procrastinating on my latest review, feel free to go check those out by the way, here.

I think right now this weight is a combination of confusion, tiredness and hurt. It weighs me down so much I don’t want to do what I love. I just want to sleep, not think and escape the pain. I’m torn in my love life, I can’t bring myself to move on, I’ve tried. Equally there is someone I would like to give that a try with but it’s complicated, I even tried to unstitch the problem but now I’m not sure if we would work. Menawhile the person who I’m trying to move on for is there for me, whatever I decide, as long as it doesn’t involve the two of us being more than friends, even that is best friends. I’m stuck and in work I’m in a place where I want to move up but mentally I need the fit to be right, awaiting to hear back from a potential promotion is daunting, especially when you know this is an ideal role for you. I have heard I should be in with a good shout so was really optimistic, but now I think there’s always someone better.

So yeah a little window into the weight on my shoulders, I just feel so paralyzed and honestly I would rather not have to deal with it all. I do though because I couldn’t bring myself to pass the pain on. I just keep shedding a little weight by writing these words, talking when I can and hopefully one day I’ll figure it out or something will just click.

Thanks for reading, stay well, Pixc

For the Love of Wrestling!

Hey guys,

Just a little news, reminder or surprise however you want to put it. Many of you will know, I write for a wrestling website known as www.realrasslin.net and after a lengthy stretch of NXT reviews I decided to take a couple of weeks off. It has been left in the capable hands of JP.

That was not the reason I popped on to share this post though. Real Rasslin will be at For the Love of Wrestling in Liverpool next weekend, 23 and 24th April. I will be there along with the majority of the team, so come say hi. You will also find a lot of your favourite wrestling personalities doing pictures and autographs and we will have a selection of wrestling goods from our store.

I hope to see someone of you there!

Thank for reading, Pixc out!

every day is a school day ….

So I haven’t wrote for a while on my blog, I have been working on what I share, I can imagine some might think I have in the past shared too much and though I don’t regret it, I can definitely see that it isn’t always a smart move. I try to be as open as I can, more for myself than anyone else. Hoping it allows me to heal and progress within life.

I had some good advise a while ago from a friend, don’t rely on one person too much, always have multiple people to go to. I still find this difficult to practice but I do think it was wise and sound advice. I rely on one person a lot, they are my rock, but they aren’t always available, as is nobody. I often find myself needing them when they can’t be there or when they have gone silent for a while. I still find it difficult as even though I do have others who can help, nobody quite to that level. So this was where I turned to, the online void if you will. I write to get if off my chest because it’s not easy to share to someone outside that one person who you feel you can talk about almost anything to.

Here I am vaguely rambling on because I need to, there is too much to think about, the booster has knocked me for six, I think I’ve fought it off so I will be better tomorrow. My mind is racing, I don’t know what is going on with me, whether it is anxiety worse than i’ve ever had, depression, a combination of the two, a more complex condition, a combination of everything, possibly stress. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand it, I’m tired of fighting, I have struggled for a while and certain things have not gone my way, it’s not all been bad but I now think I just want to stop time, life is going at 200 miles an hour and I’m stood still watching it slip away.

When one piece of the puzzle remains, it will become the steepest climb, the toughest test so that when you reach the summit, you will feel like you have earned it. This I feel is how it is for me, I’m just too tired to face that climb right now, life goes only one way and I wish sometimes I could go back just to rest in an easier section, though I don’t doubt I thought it was hard at the time.

They say you are not alone, I never felt like i was, I am lonely though, even surrounded by friends and family, I don’t quite understand where that comes from, maybe we live in an age of ultimate connectivity but in essence we are so detached.

Thanks for reading

Pixc

Back to pain

I left because you weren’t there

I didn’t want to leave

I felt I had to

I’m trying so hard to be better

I deserve better but I want you

I’ll just accept defeat again, not because it would have been a victory, just because it is a loss for me to not have you in my life

It hurts me to know there was or is always someone better for you

Everyone tells me how awesome I am but how can I believe it when nobody takes a chance

Self belief isn’t quite enough in this dance

I keep going but I hope soon it will be over

Either I will expire, or “she” will see me and we will be together finally

Classics – switching perspective

So I’ve had a rough week, I’m doing my best to stay busy, working on Real Rasslin stuff and I’ve ended up rewatching a classic TV show, Open All Hours. For those outside the UK who might not know of this little gem of a TV show I’ll elaborate.

It is a comedy about a shopkeeper called Arkwright, he has a stammer and a little errand boy or nephew if you will called Granville. Arkwright is trying to woo the local district nurse known as Nurse Gladys Emmanuel. The pilot had a different woman in that role but once the new actress took over the chemistry between the trio was amazing. I highly recommend giving it a go if you haven’t checked it out. They are on YouTube, I believe on Netflix or BBC streaming services too.

The supporting characters even have their moments. Mrs Blewitt is a favourite of mine, her interactions with Arkwright have you thinking of a local northern village interaction. I’d say my favourite episode is Inspirational Toilet Rolls and Fig Biscuits, just love the interactions that show Arkwright to be fully focused on getting as much money as possible out of everyone.

Mrs Featherstone is another delight in the show, as she shows interest in Arkwright due to his tight fisted nature, Arkwright’s response is comical and she is referred to as the Black Widow. It finishes off every episode with a monologue from the shopkeeper reflecting on the days events, pretty nice wrap up.

A newer version has been created since the actor who played Arkwright, Ronnie Barker passed away. It isn’t the same but it’s watchable, Granville fills the role of shopkeeper in the newer episodes. Much the same format but not quite the same, I think most people feel he should be Granville not try to Arkwright.

As they say you can’t beat the classics! They don’t make TV like they used to.

Thanks for reading

Pixc

Lofi music

Just a thought, I listen to a lot of lofi music, lofi hip hop, lofi chill for sleep and I really like it. It feels like the perfect combination of chilled vibes with, a good beat, often hip hop, equally good with or without lyrics. I know there is a vintage feel to it, for a lot of people and maybe it’s that drawing me in. I love my alternative music, like metal. I like my reggae and my dance music, mostly techno and hard dance. Sometimes though nothing can beat a little lofi, I would say one thing lofi to me means low quality, rough round the edges or not highly processed, but I think there needs to be a vintage feel too, am I wrong? Who knows. My music is often rough around the edges but is it Lofi, I doubt it.

I think i need to learn how to polish them into vintage pieces myself, I don’t tend to make hiphop or viably commercial pieces, I think my stuff is more my creative vomit in musical form. I can write lyrics, I can make ok beats, but I can’t sing and I am easily distracted. I work full time and if I won the lottery I’d likely have a better chance of making better music, not because I’d have money to buy gear, but because I’d have money to not need to spend time working. Isn’t that everyone’s dream though?

So yeah just a little ruminating on an underrated genre of music in my opinion. Nice background music, creative style that is widely enjoyed, maybe one day I’ll get some of my own out there for people to enjoy.

Thanks for reading

Pixc

Adlibbed this tonight

Feeling inspired, got beats in my ears and words on my mind, typing out what I think cos it just feels right, lucky to be where I am in life, grateful for the talents I have and the chance to use them, not everyone gets to shine like I do, some might not see it because I’m quite reserved but there’s a light in me and oh how it burns, even I sometimes get overwhelmed hence why I stopped.

Shame I can’t vocalise it, just not got the voice.

I continued exclusively here

I’m pretty overwhelmed a little confused about what to do, I really like you but is the age a problem? I really like you but I’m not sure you like me back. Is it possible I can find out without asking, I don’t want to ruin it before we started, just let me know. I’m pretty sure I’m overthinking but tell me something new, I really like you and I think you like me too, I’m not sure I could be overthinking but maybe you like me too?

Every beat I hear I’m picturing future memories of us doing things couples do, picnics and lazy days, dancing in the club like nobody or everybody is watching, when I’m with you I don’t care.

I think I’m moving too fast in my head, I’m scared I’ll push you away

I’m pretty sure I’m overthinking but tell me something new, tell me you feel the same, that I’m being daft, let’s go. . . .

I think I’m moving too fast in my head, I even dreamt of you last night, what does it all mean, will I ever know

Update – patterns

So I have just got out of a chaotic week, thinking back I likely made it worse than it was. It has made me think again about my own mental health, my condition, that is dyspraxia and my lifestyle. For those who are unaware, I am a heavy gamer. I make music, either playing my handpan or electronically. The latter being very infrequent as of late. There has been a constant thought in my life for a while at least the last four years, growing in focus since then anyway. There is not enough time, for me to do what I want, but it’s not as simple as do less hours at work, go part time, because the money I make there is valuable to build a better life, do more with it. I feel I need to be more focused, this is definiitely something I struggle with, it feels like either my condition or my mental health gives me a fog that stops me from being productive at times. The other thing I noticed was the patterns, I knew a slump was coming, a time when I would need to recharge and zone out, but I couldn’t stop it, maybe I had been fighting through the fog for so long I couldn’t see it, who knows.

So with this in mind, I want to say that I’m going to be more disciplined, focused and set plans in motion. I know I won’t though, I’m well aware I might do something to that effect for a day or two. I have decided though I need to organise my food intake better, as for many lockdowns and new routines with work, have taken a toll on my eating habits and my exercise, I am going to work on the exercise, but no promises, I want to look into the food more closely. I notice i go through stages of eating ready meals, because its easy, it saves me some time to do what I want. An added bonus here is they are portioned, which if I cook I probably eat a lot more than I should. I love food, I feel this is a tough ask, so we shall see how far it goes.

In other news, outside of gaming, work and music, I write. Here is not the only place now you can read my ramblings, although Real Rasslin is purely where my wrestling content is posted. Weekly I review NXT, WWE’s 3rd brand, most class it as developmental and although I see where they are coming from I’m not convinced it can be purely that. If you like wrestling at all or my writing, I would love for you to check us out. I am not the only writer of course but below I’ll link you to my latest post.

Before I go another link to add below is my YouTube and TikTok focus of my handpan playing. I am struggling with the direction for my setup. I have z Zoom H2n mic but want something that can both do audio and video. The audio often distorts and something easy to setup at home and ideally in the park would be highly useful, feel free to comment if you have any suggestions. If you know me and are able to help in person get in touch too. I’ll post links to both accounts, I’d appreciate the support there, it might help motivate me.

TikTok and YouTube for Handpan

NXT Review from 27th July

I hope you enjoyed reading my little update,

Pixc

Drowning in sea of thoughts

So I have been thinking a lot this last few days. I have been counting the negatives so to speak. Noting everything that hinders me from doing what I want or slows me down. I wouldn’t say I am negative person no more than most but I know I dwell a lot. Mostly at night as some of you might have read or noticed from my posts.

I have a lot of positives and I am following since lockdown, a lot of inspirational people with Tourette’s Syndrome mostly. I follow other talented people too, some on a journey of weight loss or just sharing their music to the world. I love seeing these people thrive, but it is a double edged sword for me, I am not thriving. I am doing really well at work don’t get me wrong, I am winning at life some would say, owning a house and being able to pay the mortgage bit by bit as I continue my career is not a luxury some can have, so I’m grateful for that. Where I want to thrive, or be lucky, live my best life, I am not, I know mostly this is on me, but I can’t seem to change that.

I was watching a certain streamer, as she and a fellow streamer discussed peoples issues, it felt to me more for a comedic entertaining purpose rather to help but it still had a helpful purpose to it. They spoke to one particular guy who i could relate to, he seemed to have too many options, he didn’t give any specifics so I can’t be sure. Their response was see this as a posiitve, you are so talented that you have all these options, I hope you enjoy and do well with what you pick. I feel like this is my domain if you will, not overly talented, but I have my fingers in a lot of pies. I often struggle to decide what to do, even something as simple as what show to watch. I’m overwhelmed by choice. It should in theory be a positive problem to have, but as luck would have it i’m human, so I see the negative with ease.

The other thing that was mentioned was which will you regret most, doing a thing or not doing a thing. This felt extremely shroedingers cat to me, if i knew that i wouldn’t have this problem in the first place. A friend recently has become more focused than ever on his music. As many of you will know I have dabbled for a long time in making music and am currently learning to play handpan. I never fully went anywhere with it. I also stream on twitch/youtube, again never quite making a proper go of it. I don’t think either of these failed to come fruition because of a lack of talent, I’m no Mark EG and I’m no Jacksepticeye but I have had my moments in both fields where I felt I did something well and I should have got more crack out of it.

Even my blogging has fallen a tad by the wayside over the years. This post even feels it is drifting slightly. However I now have the Real Rasslin stuff. I review NXT every week and should probably right now be working on the Takeover Review but instead I’m offloading a sea of ruminations to my blog in hope for some clarity, oh actually that reminds me. In the stream i mentioned earlier a phrase was mentioned that I will always remember, “post nut clarity” I could use some but I doubt I will get that any time soon, I don’t think it comes after some alone time, the closest that will get me is likely a clear mind from which to drift to sleep not focus on what’s best for me.

Continuing the train of thought of “post nut clarity” I am still very much battling a loss of a best friend, in fact i’d say it’s probably that and a few other friends, I can’t quite comprehend how easy it is for me to walk away from someone who i can considered a best friend, or how easily someone can turn on someone. It’s these scenarios that make me sad at the state of the world we live in. People can be so fickle.

I rambled on enough here, had to break for an appointment and I’ve lost my train of thought, but hopefully someone somewhere can take something from this. I got it off my chest and I’m going to have a nice soak before I debate what to do with the miniscule evening i have left before bed!

Thanks for reading,

Pixc