Where the fuck were you
Where the fuck were you my closest friends you used to have my back you used to defend.
Where the fuck are you, you seem too busy, you seem too distant, what did I do?
What happened to us why are you not around, have I upset you? what have i done?
I can’t change my past but i’m willing to learn so what can I do?
I’m not alone, i’m surrounded by friends
The people i love the most seem distant and cold
Some I feel just don’t understand, some I just don’t know why I care
I’m not seeing the end of this torment, or this pain
I just see endless torture because its not just my decision
Where the fuck are you when I break down?
Where the fuck are you if you need me?
I don’t know the way to fix this i just know it isn’t right
I’ve lost all hope that I will forget this time and feel a better life
Life is passing me by, I’m just hanging on
That’s what i’ll keep doing until i figure it out what is wrong.
Circles of Confusion
I have once again found myself at the beginning or the middle, maybe even the end of another circle of confusion. I feel like I am repeating the same scenarios, it doesn’t matter that I am aware of it. I will inevitably end up back here again, because I have before, won’t I?
I have listened, I have learned but I cannnot seem to implement. I just end up in a haze of emotion and blindly fail to escape this circle of confusion. Like a mist it surrounds me at every point of potential progress, engulfing my senses and blocking my exit.
A slave to the knowledge of how to escape these scenarios, I satisfy my curiousities, pursuing them as furiously as I can, sharing my thoughts as I go, reflecting but not quite able to see through the fog. I jest that I am meant to be alone and wonder if in the dark is my place, ever thinking if it’s true why can I not just sleep.
every day is a school day ….
So I haven’t wrote for a while on my blog, I have been working on what I share, I can imagine some might think I have in the past shared too much and though I don’t regret it, I can definitely see that it isn’t always a smart move. I try to be as open as I can, more for myself than anyone else. Hoping it allows me to heal and progress within life.
I had some good advise a while ago from a friend, don’t rely on one person too much, always have multiple people to go to. I still find this difficult to practice but I do think it was wise and sound advice. I rely on one person a lot, they are my rock, but they aren’t always available, as is nobody. I often find myself needing them when they can’t be there or when they have gone silent for a while. I still find it difficult as even though I do have others who can help, nobody quite to that level. So this was where I turned to, the online void if you will. I write to get if off my chest because it’s not easy to share to someone outside that one person who you feel you can talk about almost anything to.
Here I am vaguely rambling on because I need to, there is too much to think about, the booster has knocked me for six, I think I’ve fought it off so I will be better tomorrow. My mind is racing, I don’t know what is going on with me, whether it is anxiety worse than i’ve ever had, depression, a combination of the two, a more complex condition, a combination of everything, possibly stress. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand it, I’m tired of fighting, I have struggled for a while and certain things have not gone my way, it’s not all been bad but I now think I just want to stop time, life is going at 200 miles an hour and I’m stood still watching it slip away.
When one piece of the puzzle remains, it will become the steepest climb, the toughest test so that when you reach the summit, you will feel like you have earned it. This I feel is how it is for me, I’m just too tired to face that climb right now, life goes only one way and I wish sometimes I could go back just to rest in an easier section, though I don’t doubt I thought it was hard at the time.
They say you are not alone, I never felt like i was, I am lonely though, even surrounded by friends and family, I don’t quite understand where that comes from, maybe we live in an age of ultimate connectivity but in essence we are so detached.
Thanks for reading
Pixc
Back to pain
I left because you weren’t there
I didn’t want to leave
I felt I had to
I’m trying so hard to be better
I deserve better but I want you
I’ll just accept defeat again, not because it would have been a victory, just because it is a loss for me to not have you in my life
It hurts me to know there was or is always someone better for you
Everyone tells me how awesome I am but how can I believe it when nobody takes a chance
Self belief isn’t quite enough in this dance
I keep going but I hope soon it will be over
Either I will expire, or “she” will see me and we will be together finally
Rant for today
Hi guys, well back again. I’m not sure what exactly i’m here for today, been thinking of returning to write something, share something for a week or so, but even though things crossed my mind, I never dived back to write.
I see this still as an outlet for my experession, ranting away at life, hopefully providing some humour or other value to readers but also giving myself a bit of relief too.
I am still wrestling in my head, with a lot of stuff. Guess we all are most of the time, but I just watched Enola Holmes, really good film, though to start with having seen it on my recommended, I thought it was a series. Likely they will do another on her. I related to a lot of the points mentioned and taught. Being alone but not quite as it seems, finding your own path. It got me thinking about the people in my life, or those who have left it and how I am who I am.
It also made me think about who I want to be with, in a more general sense, what kind of person I want to be around share my life with. I always felt when I spend time with someone or talk to them, usually something about them just sings to me, it might be instant, it might be subtle and grow over time, but once they do I’m probably fiercly loyal to them. It takes a lot to break that, I’m still not sure it has ever or will ever happen.
I just hope anyone who meets me, will realise this, I hope I can find someone who appreciates this quality enough, to open themselves to sharing their life with me. I haven’t felt like this is possible yet, but I have had flickers or rays of hope it is, just often it is behind a locked door in away, I’m not the best at finding the keys, especially if the lock as often has been the case is somehow broken. It is tough but as people keep telling me, take one day at a time.
Pixc
Numb but drowning in Emotion
Life hits him hard in the face and the gut, maybe a small needle through the tiniest bit of his heart, just twisted slightly to make him wince. He stares at the statuses, looks at the empty chat reel, the lack of notifications, it feels like a metaphor for his empty house, his social life ever constantly there but with no substance, he chases and he tries but it feels like such a choir, is he a bore, is he not worth their time?
He busy himself with games and films, distracts himself with music diving deep into the needle hole he felt earlier, exploring the pain, distraction over, back to drowning in a sea of loneliness, even with her never wavering support, her guiding advice, always tinged with regret that it never quite happened, that it never seems like he has enough to make it happen, shes still there, but he still feels alone.
All the colleagues, friends, family, acquaintances who could be friends, everyone likes him, well almost everyone, he knows there are people who don’t want to know him, have already made up their minds, they don’t like him, some he probably pissed off, wronged or hurt, not that he wanted to, it’s just not in his remit, but he can’t take it back.
He tries to be positive, point out the good things in life, look at how lucky he is, but wait that is good but what about this, what about whats missing, while he marvels at what he has, he looks at what he hasn’t got, dwells on what he didn’t do, or should’ve done, he looks to what he should do but can’t, not what he can, because nobody can stay positive all the time, especially not in a sea of loneliness, numb and drowning in emotions.
Simple
Lain awake, endless lists of them racing through my head
Intriguing stories or situations play out in there
A bitter taste of what ifs and if onlys
The numbing realisation, I’m still going solo
Dream to Emote
I woke up this morning, from an emotional dream, I think I have been keeping too many emotions inside lately, I was on the brink of tears when I woke, but as am sure most would be with the dream I had, I dreamt she wouldn’t let me see my little girl. I must have been so far ahead, for I do not have a little girl. It tore me apart, I woke up and I was on the brink of tears.
It made me think of you
Made me think of her
Made me think of what we had
What I had with her
How I now have neither
How alone I am right now
And how that little girl seems so far away
If that was a parallel universe, another me I experienced
If in that world my little girl was without her daddy
I am so glad in this world I made the choices I did
I wouldn’t want her to suffer
I wouldn’t want to be apart from her like that
I’m hurting even though it was a dream
I’m hurting because this life I lead seems so uneventful in comparison
So devoid of that joy I got that little bit closer to in that dream
Maybe it is karma that seemingly all is leaving me
When it that world I seemingly left her
Pulling Me Away
I feel the world pulling me away from here
I feel the pain of solitude surrounded by people
Music keeps me alive
I want to be free of all stress and pressure, but can only gain such a small reprieve
Emotionless is not something I could understand
I seethe with passion, pain and pulse with fear
This is not unusual, this is just me
I wish I could function this into something to draw her near, whoever she might be
I’m just clutching at half cut straws
With my almost sober disposition and lack of finesse
I can only dream and dream I shall
For fear of losing all hope
So these urges that keep pulling me away from here
Keep on keeping me dreaming of her
Whoever she may be
I’m trying, I won’t give up, maybe I just need a little help
Pull a little harder?
Who knows
Maybe two of you are pulling me in opposite directions
Maybe I’m gluing myself here for some reason
Something however,
Keeps pulling me away
Waiting for Death
I am but a very young man, but I think all in all most of us are just waiting for death
I have ran myself through the delights and disasters of drugs
I’m no smack or crack or head but I have expanded my mind, reach states of pure euphoria and become numb
I have made mistakes
I have cried, tears of sadness and tears of joy
I have seen the slow coming of death for an old man who had long since given up
I have heard of a life cut so short more than once
I have watched people hurt each other
I have seen how people can hurt themselves
I have laid awake at night long ago and hurt myself
I am now not one to partake in this pain
I just wait for death
Some people would wish it upon me, or at least for me to suffer
I would wish that I could make my mistakes less damning, that they would cause less harm
They have hurt me in a way not even the best can repair, only me
I fear I cannot heal
I fear I cannot control what will happen to me
I am not afraid, but I am alone
People will stand by me
But they cannot help me, they can only soften the blow when it comes
I just wait for it
I have very little to lose after all
AlwaysMuteTheWeirdo aka Pixcs Blog 