Reality
He dreams of walking through some hills of Switzerland because he wanted to take her there.
He dreams of sharing that room in Egypt because when he had it himself it felt like she was missing.
He planned a life with her before he found out, he can’t help himself, isn’t that what life is all about?
He remembers her rejection, not absolute, just not what he wanted, he remembers what she said and did, wonders why?
He puts it one side, takes a step back and ignores the emotions welling up inside. He cracks, almost a little panic then explosion anger races out his mind, wait.
A tear falls down his side, weakness that he let anger come from her lies, let her in close so she could stick the knife in.
Contemplation drives him towards the trutb, understanding still feels moot, no answer will turn this water into wine, she lied.
Excuses forming, earache dawning on friends ears, we’ve listened for years for the same old story but enough.
You are enough for us, when she comes you will be enough for her, she is not here, she is not her, she is unknown.
Always
I always come back to her
It’s like breakfast in bed without both breakfast or bed
She doesn’t lock the door
Because she does it from far away.
Then I question what we are.
I always wanted more
I always accepted less
I never understood why I wasn’t enough
I never understood why it was never me
I still can’t walk away
I still can’t be ok with less
I still wish her my very best
Weight of the World
It’s easy to feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, to as humans do think about the negatives more often and let them pile up. I’m having periods of this so often lately. I probably bring a lot of it on myself, but it doesn’t make it any less of an issue or mean it doesn’t matter.
I often think to myself, when I look at my mum or a friend who seems to have all of their shit together, how do they do it? Nobody is perfect but some people just seem to have all their shit together. Equally I know I have a lot of things together, more so than some of my other friends, but in my own little world it does feel like everything falls apart.
Sometimes, though rarely in recent memory, I come here and type away. I busy myself in fun things, gaming, making music and writing for Real Rasslin. I probably have a list as long as me of things I like to do other than the housework. I’m a constant procrastinator, even this is me procrastinating on my latest review, feel free to go check those out by the way, here.
I think right now this weight is a combination of confusion, tiredness and hurt. It weighs me down so much I don’t want to do what I love. I just want to sleep, not think and escape the pain. I’m torn in my love life, I can’t bring myself to move on, I’ve tried. Equally there is someone I would like to give that a try with but it’s complicated, I even tried to unstitch the problem but now I’m not sure if we would work. Menawhile the person who I’m trying to move on for is there for me, whatever I decide, as long as it doesn’t involve the two of us being more than friends, even that is best friends. I’m stuck and in work I’m in a place where I want to move up but mentally I need the fit to be right, awaiting to hear back from a potential promotion is daunting, especially when you know this is an ideal role for you. I have heard I should be in with a good shout so was really optimistic, but now I think there’s always someone better.
So yeah a little window into the weight on my shoulders, I just feel so paralyzed and honestly I would rather not have to deal with it all. I do though because I couldn’t bring myself to pass the pain on. I just keep shedding a little weight by writing these words, talking when I can and hopefully one day I’ll figure it out or something will just click.
Thanks for reading, stay well, Pixc
Back to pain
I left because you weren’t there
I didn’t want to leave
I felt I had to
I’m trying so hard to be better
I deserve better but I want you
I’ll just accept defeat again, not because it would have been a victory, just because it is a loss for me to not have you in my life
It hurts me to know there was or is always someone better for you
Everyone tells me how awesome I am but how can I believe it when nobody takes a chance
Self belief isn’t quite enough in this dance
I keep going but I hope soon it will be over
Either I will expire, or “she” will see me and we will be together finally
lost thoughts
So it is saturday morning, I’m well into the afternoon, I haven’t been up long enough to warrant lunch so that’s my decision and I’m sticking to it. Once again the rear view mirror in my mind casts a cloud of misery on me. I reflect on the recent losses in my life, particularly a friend lost through stupidity. When I say stupidity, it is their life, they can do what they will, but I believe they have fucked up, if their reasons are true. My life has no bearing on your success unless you let it. I want to understand how it was deemed so, but I am led to believe by many of my friends that you have no clue what friendship is, someone who i encouraged, listened to, confided in and grew with they threw that away over one disagreement, that maybe rippled through their fragile opinions on me and shattered the gold heart that I know I possess.
Anyhoo loss is a terrible thing, I’m reflecting on this as a time when someone walks out on you, makes you remember those that stand by you through thick and thin, I am not perfect but I do my best to be a good person, nobody can ever tell me I am not a good friend. I have a friend who I lost through death, I hadn’t seen him in a while and I still wish I made more effort and seen him, but I think I hope he can hear/see me writing this and know I will be doing my best as always to get on in life, I am sure he would be proud of how far I have come even if he doesn’t know where I have been.
Another I lost due to love, I know she is not truly lost but she might as well be, it feels like it, I hope one day I can have this one back, but I fear it may be a long long time. This one is mostly on me, trying not to blame myself as I can’t help it and neither can she. I think this will always be the most painful. No matter how much it is out of my control it is harder to acccept that it isn’t, often I wonder if it is because she was always so good to me.
My final loss I will only touch on briefly, similar to the previous, but in my weakness, I trusted too easily someone who I could see filling the gap that the previous left, I miss this one a lot, I just wish I’d never said anything, I doubt this will ever be repaired, I try to think of the good times and use them to build a better future.
Just felt like sharing, thank you for reading,
Pixc
lockdown diaries – continued
Not even a day this time, has passed. I sit, dwelling, hurting, triggered once again by “Cursed” knowing full well there might be someone who could take the pain away, but I still wish it was her.
I try to let someone else in, have done for years, but it never works. Is that what actual love is, I never felt like love could be forbidden to let others in, am I wallowing for no reason, was it something else? Does it only matter when it is two way, or rather two way on the same level, without desire for more from either party? Even now i feel bitter as it smells like a game of chess or chance, that it is not up to me if I win.
I never wondered if I wanted to win though, I always felt I had already won, to be in her life, now without any reason I feel pain, betrayal and btterness constantly, I can only hope at the whim of fate, that someone comes that I would feel similar or more for, I confess little expectation that this will come to pass. I write because I can’t talk.
I sense sometimes a lust that maybe if I had one night in which everything played out how i hoped, maybe my head or heart would let me seek elsewhere what could be similar, then I remember why I am thinking like this, I tried to let someone else in, but I wasn’t perfect enough, so I am left with another bitter taste in my mouth. This isn’t me expecting anything of anyone, I just need to vent.
I wish I could sleep and drift into an alternate reality, because this one doesn’t feel right to me, play out some scenarios that aren’t meant to be, because right now I just need something to escape into, while this is all I can think about, trapped in my own mind with these thoughts triggered because I am not perfect, nobody is, but she was to me, not without flaws, not without annoyances, but the best I never had.
Thanks for humouring me again so soon.
Pixc
Lockdown Diaries -something missing
Something is missing,
It comes and goes the desire to find it, curiousity dying with each rejection or wrong step. I try to stay true to who I am, I strive to do the right thing, not only for me but anyone else.
The world is in despair, people bickering over pointless differences, division across all people, distracted by everything possible because it is easier to look away. Corrupt politicians lead us into darker times, some may have good intentions but soon as the rich produce the carrot they are swayed and those that are not are shamed and destroyed in the media, i don’t feel acknowledging this would make any difference to anything but my own inner monologue, probably for a while, not forever.
I feel like I know exactly what’s missing, or who, but i don’t feel she exists, i get close, then something gets in the way, either them, myself, time, feelings, emotions, there is always something keeping something missing, missing.
I write this because it is weighing me down, i hope to get some release, maybe not only the living can see it, maybe someone who can turn the tide, might it be selfish, yes. I believe I have suffered enough. I feel someone departed this world as a sign that I had.
Thanks for reading,
Pixc
Blind
I had a hunch, I was missing something
Something was being kept from me
Blind to a best friend hiding something, keeping it from me
I wanted more, a reason why am sure it was thought
Protect him, from this news that might push him away or
Protect me from his anger that undoubtedly will bubble over when he finds out
What a shame you tried to protect me
It never works, it’s best to be honest
Did you ever truely know me? If you felt dishonesty and secrets would protect me?
Did you let it out elsewhere in the hope I would find it
Knowing that you wouldn’t have to face it
Because you’re running away
Running away from someone who cared,
someone who might never care that much again
Putting that burden on someone else, protecting yourself
A mirror I might see as I am no saint
Once I did a similar thing
I sit typing, trying to let the waves of emotions out
You have escaped these, at least for now
You will get but a small thimble of them compared to me
I will be engulfed by the torrent of emotion
buried in it
After all we are all only human
Some just a little wiser than others
For Better or For Worse, My Friend
Can she see the pain in my eyes, the way I feel it when she leaves, or doesn’t respond?
Can she see how much I’m fighting, wanting to never let go?
The one true friend even through all this
How could I leave her now, after all that is what friends are for.
It might not be the “for better or for worse” I was looking for
But it’ll have to do.
Thanks for reading,
Pixc
Love of Blues
Lately, been feeling a little confused, every time she wanders into my mind
Though I am keen to get deeper and see what I might find.
Inspired to write as always by love
But the question is will I be enough
I wear my heart on my sleeve, open to the cut
So sure I’ll always be stuck in this rut
Listen to the lyrics of my favourite tunes
Try get inspired, chase away the blues.
Thanks for reading,
Pixc
Emotional Refusal
Feel so lost, am consumed by rage.
No clue, who can give me answers to this pain.
Seeking love is no fun game
Unreciprocated or not enough its all the same
Keep trying to give it up
Focus on something else
But I’ve had enough
If shes out there, why isn’t she here
Surely if we belong, then we’d be together already
Sharing moments of joy, adventures a plenty
Then there is one who i mentioned already
Clearly important, maybe a little unhealthy
Can’t shake her, won’t leave her
But she’s not ready, or maybe never will be
Not for me
Cos I think as I try to avoid doing just that
I’m not quite good enough
thanks for reading, if you didn’t feel it, read it a little like eminem rapping.
Pixc
If I could
If I could be how I wanted, do what I wanted, with full freedom and no limits.
If I could live like that
I’d rave on a weekend, to the hardest styles, party with my people until I needed to rest.
I’d make music and game during the week, entertain the masses the join in the quest. Watch the shows I love, follow the people I love, be with the woman I love, treat her and the friends I love to the most amazing times, because there would be no limits.
Cash would not be a problem, time would be no issue, conflicting priorities wouldn’t even matter, this can never be, so we do the best we can.
But I would do so much more if I could.
Rave on, stay safe, party hard!
Pixc
Opportunity
Just secretly happy about something, walking through life with a spring in my step. Getting advice about what do next, I can only tie myself up in knots. An opportunity possibly, a disaster maybe, will I take it never, because I am to worried, too worried about if I’m reading this wrong, if what she says is true, if what he thinks is right, that I shouldn’t even be thinking about it, that I’m cheating on the woman I love who would advise against it but probably secretly be hoping I go for it and it works out, so I’m no longer in her life. I never asked for it to pan out this way, or did I? When I first met you saw the line, stood well back, all the while wondering, what if it wasn’t there, would it happen, could it work, now I know you and there isn’t the same desire, but a growing friendship, all the while seeing that line wobble, cracks appear, still standing back, secretly hoping but knowing that what must be, must be, trying not to get involved because it is none of my business, but wanting to know, just in case.
But I digress, that is but a fictional possibility because I am me, that opportunity never comes to me, that opportunity was given to him.
Rescue Me
Someone come and rescue me, from the depths of my heart.
Someone slid into my soul and then gave me a red card.
I’ve tried to escape and break free, feel trapped inside my own fart
I cannot see a light anymore, the world has all gone dark.
I cannot forgive myself, no matter how I try
Everything that happens confirms that I should stop asking why
Even my dreams haunt me, nightmares they could be
Although my friends surround me, they don’t know how to help me.
Addicted and in this I find
My only solace, my only passion
Well almost I must add
There is one key, one chance if I can, I might.
Music, music is key my friend to
Rescuing my mind.
waves and phases
It comes in waves, comes in phases, always the same.
Stressed out, wanting to see you, talking, thinking why are we not?
Realise it’s you, you don’t see it, it doesn’t work for you
I go silent, I want to scream, it won’t change a thing
So I settle, then I spiral, knowing my world crashing round me as that woman who is waiting on me is only getting the silver.
I wish I didn’t want you, I wish you hadn’t rescued me, I wish the next one didn’t need to be so awesome, cos I’m tired
I’m tired of fighting my own heart, because I can’t have what I want, I’m tired of being alone and lost in the dark
It comes in waves and phases, a drunken text that I love you
A snappy retort that you don’t need this.
Realisation that I don’t either but can’t seem to break the habit
Torn between the idea you would get it over with and break my heart clean in two, or take my hand and let me find out if what my heart is fighting for is worth it.
I know you won’t, too nice to live a lie with me or break my heart, not your decision, not your feelings, every song, every love story, every memory, a little more pain and water from my eyes, i’ll just carry on.
Raging Tears of a Dyspraxic
So time to share, time to shed a layer off into the world, many who read my blog know I use this as a way to offload shit, get stuff off my chest, express myself, sometimes it can seem pretty dark, I make no apologies, sometimes my emotions are high or low and I need this outlet.
Tonight I snapped, it has been brewing for a long time, I’d had enough, but I immediately regretted it, usually when someone says that it’s cos they hurt someone else, but tonight I hurt me, not physically and it might have hurt someone else too, but for me I went from raging, to broken wreck in 60 seconds, I planned to be asleep early tonight, fat chance now.
Reached a point where after years I want to be free from emotion, daleks, cybermen come at me bro! Seriously though I always hated the idea of anti-depressants, I figured it just masks the shit and makes you not feel, I never wanted that, my emotions have always been unchained free, I liked that about me, I felt it made me human, still do, but maybe I just want a break, or maybe not to have a heart because it feels right now a curse.
When you are likely in love with someone and it’s not reciprocated, when you care for someone so much, they are your best friend, your confidant, your rock, then you realise she might be gone, not only that but you have to agree to it, you have to walk away, you resign yourself to it, but everytime you try you rally, nope you cannot leave her, look at all she’s done for you, look how much she cares, how much she means to you, come on,so you keep going, broken, that is where I am at now, it would be simpler if I could go, that’s not me, it wouldn’t be easy either way, I am still clinging on because I can’t imagine life without her, on any level, I know I want more than I got, but I can’t imagine life without her.
How can I?
You can’t play on broken strings, here without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do.
Mamny Rivers to Cross, You could meet somebody, rewind, all of me, last request.
Dancing on my own.
In other words, how can I go on without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do, I’ve got many rivers to cross, they say you could meet somebody, but I doubt I will, can’t we just rewind, this is my last request, grant it, let me hold you.
I’m much like the Doctor, I don’t do goodbyes, I don’t do endings, I don’t like them, I always felt like an island, I wish you’d let me be there, while you fix you, I don’t mind if you nag me, I want to know.
How can I let go? Though I know I have to, I want you to stop me, for the right reasons, for me and for you.
You can’t play on broken strings, I know I can’t make your heart feell anything, but if it is buried beneath all your pain, maybe we can find it together.
music, heart and stress
work in a place where they breed robots, to control the cattle, to the slaughter when times get together, life still rolls on, tease a possibility of me and you then i must come down, every song a pull, every realization it won’t ever be what i dreamt of, heart in a vice, mind under pressure, body strained, just words nothing i can say
When she won’t cave
Do I stay or do I go?
I can’t give up, I don’t want to give up
Surely if it was going to happen it has had enough time?
But if the timing hasn’t been right, might it be in the future?
What ifs and but this and that, I’ll never stop hoping
If someone would just come along and drag me away
How could I even think that? Why would I even consider that?
I don’t deserve her, hang on a minute, she doesn’t deserve me
How could I even think that of her, what is happening to me
She told me to go, but she obviously doesn’t want me to
So there is hope, nope she wants something else, she needs you but its not the same
But I can’t it’s all or nothing, wait that is silly, would you not rather have her in your life?
I don’t know, Shroedingers Cat? Yeah exactly, we should try it, then I will know?
I didn’t last, I caved, I can’t have what I want, but I can give her what she wants
But never settle I said, never settle, I now have to
Where is she? Will she rescue me? Would I even want her to?
What kind of bullshit is this, wanting someone to rescue you from this?
How could you even expect anyone to be ok with this?
Also you try and try and try again, they don’t stick around or you push them away
So what that’s it, no answers?
Nope just question and you, focus on you if you can
Well that’s ironic
a short mind dump about where my head is at right now and kind of a conversation I have with myself often
Thanks for reading,
Pixc
Think of me
Think of me, if you see those pearly gates, laying down here without you.
No, think of me before you go to those pearly gates, not yet, not now, think of me.
Think of me, because for many years I haven’t stopped thinking of you.
Think of me, before you leave us all because you are not a timelord, if you don’t you will never think of me again, but I will go on thinking of you!
unreciprocated
She is the light and the dark, the past, the present and future, but he is not hers, well not in the same way. He can’t see past her, can’t see without her, can’t see with her. He knows and he accepts, but still it doesn’t change, trapped in an emotional cage of his own making.
Looking back wonders if he could have changed the outcome, what would have happened, would they still be this close? would he be free? would he be with her still? What if rears it’s ugly head as always, all he wants is to step out of this, one way or another.
Another comes along, a chance to escape, he takes it, it was fake, not what it seemed, another mistake. Once again another chance to escape, once again, another fake, she was there all along helping him through it, trying to help him escape from her, is she who she seems.
They talk and he feels hope all the time, but always it is dashed on the cliffside as soon as he voices it, like she never knew she had given him such a thing.
Still he tries to escape, maybe his heart is not in it, maybe he can’t, either way he’ll keep trying, because she isn’t joining him in that desolate place they call love.
If you . .
IF you really like me then cut the bullshit I am too old for games
If you don’t want me as more than friend then say, i will be there til the end
If you didn’t like what you saw, it wasn’t quite the peak you expected
Then jog on, I am worth more than that, you can find Mr Perfect elsewhere
If you tease me get my motor running then run away confused don’t blame me when someone else comes take my juice, cos one day someone will appreciate me and I will not hesitate to let loose, this was once for you, lady but you just couldn’r choose.
I hate the way that sounds I would much rather be sweet, but gals like someone who has a nobhead ish quality indeed, someone who makes them feel like shit not feel their in a dream
I was born to please one, but one does not exist so should I give it up and just look after me.
Met a lass from down south got a boyfriend, but still appreciated me for who I am, maybe she sensed i was unlucky and tried to give me some confidence to make me plucky, either way I won’t forget, no go or not she made me think
I went out come home early, because like always nobody keeps up, saturday night the atmospheres sucks, just want me to come out til something better comes along, whilst am wondering what the fuck went wrong, I just wish for once my way, but never expected, so never regretted as I drift into space.
I ask all the readers to bow their heads in the respect of one, lost, tired of all the silly games.
Pixc
Things will happen . . .
Things will happen, your time will come, just you wait and see. All the cliche responses I get when I get a little frustrated by the lack of romance or women in my life. My life was pretty rough for a while, well I say rough it was mostly self inflicted although I couldn’t tell you why, I don’t quite understand looking back, but the main thing that is missing in my life now, is a woman, someone to share my life with.
This is just my little rant about those phrases, my gran always said “Don’t chase women” I still believe this to be sound advice, but only to a certain point, I think once a women gives you some signals, if you don’t act, she quickly moves on and I doubt it is a good move to wait for her to do it all. I often got told you’re such a nice guy there is bound to be someone for you, well news for ya ladies, if all women are thinking that same thing, then there won’t be, someone has to take the plunge and not think like you. I have had some luck, I once got told a friendship that grows into something is a good way, never believed it but recently something came out of a long friendship, admittedly it now feels like that was a bad idea, but it showed to me it is possible.
Hung up on the same woman since about 7 years ago, but always knowing deep down if it was going to happen, it would have by now, we passed like ships in the night and though we may still be close, or were, I can’t help but feel we both fucked up with this one. So sitting content with my creative juices writing, making music, gaming, doing videos without the obsession or thought of a woman in my mind, it get’s broken by someone giving me a signal, I jump on it, whether I was right or wrong to, she backs off claims confusion or denies giving the signal either way I take the blame, or rather have to suffer the defeat, while she either moves on or goes back seemingly without a care, am sure she still cares and probably suffers a little too, but I don’t know because communication was already mediocre at best and that for sure hasn’t got any better.
I am for a man of almost 30 somewhat young in my mind, in a sense of shall we say maturity, especially sexual and/or romantic maturity, but that is I think 50% true. I have a much older sense of respect and self that somewhat cripples the development of my romantic side. I feel there is a risk taker, charlie sheen don’t give a fuck twat deep down somewhere that would woo many ladies off their feet with my wit and charm, but my crippled confidence, outlook and bitterness combine with this to create a socially awkward open book, as easily readible as a harry potter novel. I am a catch I don’t doubt, but it is the distinguished strange fisherwoman that rarely comes along that will find the beauty in this particular fish.
I have been told I need to spruce myself up a bit, maybe get some baubles to darn the old twigs as they don’t say. I have a way of words on here, but in female company, I stumble and stutter or simply stay quiet, until comfortable, then fall flat on my face in rushed conversation and foot in mouth syndrome, I kid you not, this guy is not as smooth as you might first think.
I’d like to think, as a result of my rant someone out there knows they are not the only awkward guy or girl frustrated with not being the all singing all dancing wizard with the opposite sex, that we might be alone, but we are not completely alone.
Reggae – a love I can’t deny
So I just got home from a reggae night, 2nd time I went to it but last time, I was dragged away as it wasn’t everyone else’s scene, this time I spent more time there, admittedly I’d have stopped longer had someone stuck around for the ride but it was so nice to just sway to the reggae beats immersed in the music, not caring what anyone else was doing, so relaxing, for a busy environment.
I can’t get enough reggae at times, the bass the feel of love there is pouring out of each track, the feeling of relaxation and easy going attitude it instils in me. I am definitely making this a regular haunt of mine, shame I will miss the december one. I will just have to fill my phone with a lot of new reggae and get some extra home listening in.
Any reggae lovers out there want to recommend some awesome tracks I may not have heard then feel free, I have a range of taste, from Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and Dennis Brown to Protoje, Sara Lugo and Sizzla Kolonji, to name but a few!
Cheers for reading,
Pixc
AlwaysMuteTheWeirdo aka Pixcs Blog 