If I could be how I wanted, do what I wanted, with full freedom and no limits.
If I could live like that
I’d rave on a weekend, to the hardest styles, party with my people until I needed to rest.
I’d make music and game during the week, entertain the masses the join in the quest. Watch the shows I love, follow the people I love, be with the woman I love, treat her and the friends I love to the most amazing times, because there would be no limits.
Cash would not be a problem, time would be no issue, conflicting priorities wouldn’t even matter, this can never be, so we do the best we can.
But I would do so much more if I could.
Rave on, stay safe, party hard!
Just secretly happy about something, walking through life with a spring in my step. Getting advice about what do next, I can only tie myself up in knots. An opportunity possibly, a disaster maybe, will I take it never, because I am to worried, too worried about if I’m reading this wrong, if what she says is true, if what he thinks is right, that I shouldn’t even be thinking about it, that I’m cheating on the woman I love who would advise against it but probably secretly be hoping I go for it and it works out, so I’m no longer in her life. I never asked for it to pan out this way, or did I? When I first met you saw the line, stood well back, all the while wondering, what if it wasn’t there, would it happen, could it work, now I know you and there isn’t the same desire, but a growing friendship, all the while seeing that line wobble, cracks appear, still standing back, secretly hoping but knowing that what must be, must be, trying not to get involved because it is none of my business, but wanting to know, just in case.
But I digress, that is but a fictional possibility because I am me, that opportunity never comes to me, that opportunity was given to him.
Someone come and rescue me, from the depths of my heart.
Someone slid into my soul and then gave me a red card.
I’ve tried to escape and break free, feel trapped inside my own fart
I cannot see a light anymore, the world has all gone dark.
I cannot forgive myself, no matter how I try
Everything that happens confirms that I should stop asking why
Even my dreams haunt me, nightmares they could be
Although my friends surround me, they don’t know how to help me.
Addicted and in this I find
My only solace, my only passion
Well almost I must add
There is one key, one chance if I can, I might.
Music, music is key my friend to
Rescuing my mind.
It comes in waves, comes in phases, always the same.
Stressed out, wanting to see you, talking, thinking why are we not?
Realise it’s you, you don’t see it, it doesn’t work for you
I go silent, I want to scream, it won’t change a thing
So I settle, then I spiral, knowing my world crashing round me as that woman who is waiting on me is only getting the silver.
I wish I didn’t want you, I wish you hadn’t rescued me, I wish the next one didn’t need to be so awesome, cos I’m tired
I’m tired of fighting my own heart, because I can’t have what I want, I’m tired of being alone and lost in the dark
It comes in waves and phases, a drunken text that I love you
A snappy retort that you don’t need this.
Realisation that I don’t either but can’t seem to break the habit
Torn between the idea you would get it over with and break my heart clean in two, or take my hand and let me find out if what my heart is fighting for is worth it.
I know you won’t, too nice to live a lie with me or break my heart, not your decision, not your feelings, every song, every love story, every memory, a little more pain and water from my eyes, i’ll just carry on.
So time to share, time to shed a layer off into the world, many who read my blog know I use this as a way to offload shit, get stuff off my chest, express myself, sometimes it can seem pretty dark, I make no apologies, sometimes my emotions are high or low and I need this outlet.
Tonight I snapped, it has been brewing for a long time, I’d had enough, but I immediately regretted it, usually when someone says that it’s cos they hurt someone else, but tonight I hurt me, not physically and it might have hurt someone else too, but for me I went from raging, to broken wreck in 60 seconds, I planned to be asleep early tonight, fat chance now.
Reached a point where after years I want to be free from emotion, daleks, cybermen come at me bro! Seriously though I always hated the idea of anti-depressants, I figured it just masks the shit and makes you not feel, I never wanted that, my emotions have always been unchained free, I liked that about me, I felt it made me human, still do, but maybe I just want a break, or maybe not to have a heart because it feels right now a curse.
When you are likely in love with someone and it’s not reciprocated, when you care for someone so much, they are your best friend, your confidant, your rock, then you realise she might be gone, not only that but you have to agree to it, you have to walk away, you resign yourself to it, but everytime you try you rally, nope you cannot leave her, look at all she’s done for you, look how much she cares, how much she means to you, come on,so you keep going, broken, that is where I am at now, it would be simpler if I could go, that’s not me, it wouldn’t be easy either way, I am still clinging on because I can’t imagine life without her, on any level, I know I want more than I got, but I can’t imagine life without her.
You can’t play on broken strings, here without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do.
Mamny Rivers to Cross, You could meet somebody, rewind, all of me, last request.
Dancing on my own.
In other words, how can I go on without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do, I’ve got many rivers to cross, they say you could meet somebody, but I doubt I will, can’t we just rewind, this is my last request, grant it, let me hold you.
I’m much like the Doctor, I don’t do goodbyes, I don’t do endings, I don’t like them, I always felt like an island, I wish you’d let me be there, while you fix you, I don’t mind if you nag me, I want to know.
How can I let go? Though I know I have to, I want you to stop me, for the right reasons, for me and for you.
You can’t play on broken strings, I know I can’t make your heart feell anything, but if it is buried beneath all your pain, maybe we can find it together.
work in a place where they breed robots, to control the cattle, to the slaughter when times get together, life still rolls on, tease a possibility of me and you then i must come down, every song a pull, every realization it won’t ever be what i dreamt of, heart in a vice, mind under pressure, body strained, just words nothing i can say