So time to share, time to shed a layer off into the world, many who read my blog know I use this as a way to offload shit, get stuff off my chest, express myself, sometimes it can seem pretty dark, I make no apologies, sometimes my emotions are high or low and I need this outlet.
Tonight I snapped, it has been brewing for a long time, I’d had enough, but I immediately regretted it, usually when someone says that it’s cos they hurt someone else, but tonight I hurt me, not physically and it might have hurt someone else too, but for me I went from raging, to broken wreck in 60 seconds, I planned to be asleep early tonight, fat chance now.
Reached a point where after years I want to be free from emotion, daleks, cybermen come at me bro! Seriously though I always hated the idea of anti-depressants, I figured it just masks the shit and makes you not feel, I never wanted that, my emotions have always been unchained free, I liked that about me, I felt it made me human, still do, but maybe I just want a break, or maybe not to have a heart because it feels right now a curse.
When you are likely in love with someone and it’s not reciprocated, when you care for someone so much, they are your best friend, your confidant, your rock, then you realise she might be gone, not only that but you have to agree to it, you have to walk away, you resign yourself to it, but everytime you try you rally, nope you cannot leave her, look at all she’s done for you, look how much she cares, how much she means to you, come on,so you keep going, broken, that is where I am at now, it would be simpler if I could go, that’s not me, it wouldn’t be easy either way, I am still clinging on because I can’t imagine life without her, on any level, I know I want more than I got, but I can’t imagine life without her.
You can’t play on broken strings, here without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do.
Mamny Rivers to Cross, You could meet somebody, rewind, all of me, last request.
Dancing on my own.
In other words, how can I go on without you, it’s impossible, the way you do the things you do, I’ve got many rivers to cross, they say you could meet somebody, but I doubt I will, can’t we just rewind, this is my last request, grant it, let me hold you.
I’m much like the Doctor, I don’t do goodbyes, I don’t do endings, I don’t like them, I always felt like an island, I wish you’d let me be there, while you fix you, I don’t mind if you nag me, I want to know.
How can I let go? Though I know I have to, I want you to stop me, for the right reasons, for me and for you.
You can’t play on broken strings, I know I can’t make your heart feell anything, but if it is buried beneath all your pain, maybe we can find it together.
work in a place where they breed robots, to control the cattle, to the slaughter when times get together, life still rolls on, tease a possibility of me and you then i must come down, every song a pull, every realization it won’t ever be what i dreamt of, heart in a vice, mind under pressure, body strained, just words nothing i can say
Do I stay or do I go?
I can’t give up, I don’t want to give up
Surely if it was going to happen it has had enough time?
But if the timing hasn’t been right, might it be in the future?
What ifs and but this and that, I’ll never stop hoping
If someone would just come along and drag me away
How could I even think that? Why would I even consider that?
I don’t deserve her, hang on a minute, she doesn’t deserve me
How could I even think that of her, what is happening to me
She told me to go, but she obviously doesn’t want me to
So there is hope, nope she wants something else, she needs you but its not the same
But I can’t it’s all or nothing, wait that is silly, would you not rather have her in your life?
I don’t know, Shroedingers Cat? Yeah exactly, we should try it, then I will know?
I didn’t last, I caved, I can’t have what I want, but I can give her what she wants
But never settle I said, never settle, I now have to
Where is she? Will she rescue me? Would I even want her to?
What kind of bullshit is this, wanting someone to rescue you from this?
How could you even expect anyone to be ok with this?
Also you try and try and try again, they don’t stick around or you push them away
So what that’s it, no answers?
Nope just question and you, focus on you if you can
Well that’s ironic
a short mind dump about where my head is at right now and kind of a conversation I have with myself often
Thanks for reading,
Think of me, if you see those pearly gates, laying down here without you.
No, think of me before you go to those pearly gates, not yet, not now, think of me.
Think of me, because for many years I haven’t stopped thinking of you.
Think of me, before you leave us all because you are not a timelord, if you don’t you will never think of me again, but I will go on thinking of you!
She is the light and the dark, the past, the present and future, but he is not hers, well not in the same way. He can’t see past her, can’t see without her, can’t see with her. He knows and he accepts, but still it doesn’t change, trapped in an emotional cage of his own making.
Looking back wonders if he could have changed the outcome, what would have happened, would they still be this close? would he be free? would he be with her still? What if rears it’s ugly head as always, all he wants is to step out of this, one way or another.
Another comes along, a chance to escape, he takes it, it was fake, not what it seemed, another mistake. Once again another chance to escape, once again, another fake, she was there all along helping him through it, trying to help him escape from her, is she who she seems.
They talk and he feels hope all the time, but always it is dashed on the cliffside as soon as he voices it, like she never knew she had given him such a thing.
Still he tries to escape, maybe his heart is not in it, maybe he can’t, either way he’ll keep trying, because she isn’t joining him in that desolate place they call love.
IF you really like me then cut the bullshit I am too old for games
If you don’t want me as more than friend then say, i will be there til the end
If you didn’t like what you saw, it wasn’t quite the peak you expected
Then jog on, I am worth more than that, you can find Mr Perfect elsewhere
If you tease me get my motor running then run away confused don’t blame me when someone else comes take my juice, cos one day someone will appreciate me and I will not hesitate to let loose, this was once for you, lady but you just couldn’r choose.
I hate the way that sounds I would much rather be sweet, but gals like someone who has a nobhead ish quality indeed, someone who makes them feel like shit not feel their in a dream
I was born to please one, but one does not exist so should I give it up and just look after me.
Met a lass from down south got a boyfriend, but still appreciated me for who I am, maybe she sensed i was unlucky and tried to give me some confidence to make me plucky, either way I won’t forget, no go or not she made me think
I went out come home early, because like always nobody keeps up, saturday night the atmospheres sucks, just want me to come out til something better comes along, whilst am wondering what the fuck went wrong, I just wish for once my way, but never expected, so never regretted as I drift into space.
I ask all the readers to bow their heads in the respect of one, lost, tired of all the silly games.