Do I stay or do I go?
I can’t give up, I don’t want to give up
Surely if it was going to happen it has had enough time?
But if the timing hasn’t been right, might it be in the future?
What ifs and but this and that, I’ll never stop hoping
If someone would just come along and drag me away
How could I even think that? Why would I even consider that?
I don’t deserve her, hang on a minute, she doesn’t deserve me
How could I even think that of her, what is happening to me
She told me to go, but she obviously doesn’t want me to
So there is hope, nope she wants something else, she needs you but its not the same
But I can’t it’s all or nothing, wait that is silly, would you not rather have her in your life?
I don’t know, Shroedingers Cat? Yeah exactly, we should try it, then I will know?
I didn’t last, I caved, I can’t have what I want, but I can give her what she wants
But never settle I said, never settle, I now have to
Where is she? Will she rescue me? Would I even want her to?
What kind of bullshit is this, wanting someone to rescue you from this?
How could you even expect anyone to be ok with this?
Also you try and try and try again, they don’t stick around or you push them away
So what that’s it, no answers?
Nope just question and you, focus on you if you can
Well that’s ironic
a short mind dump about where my head is at right now and kind of a conversation I have with myself often
Thanks for reading,
Think of me, if you see those pearly gates, laying down here without you.
No, think of me before you go to those pearly gates, not yet, not now, think of me.
Think of me, because for many years I haven’t stopped thinking of you.
Think of me, before you leave us all because you are not a timelord, if you don’t you will never think of me again, but I will go on thinking of you!
She is the light and the dark, the past, the present and future, but he is not hers, well not in the same way. He can’t see past her, can’t see without her, can’t see with her. He knows and he accepts, but still it doesn’t change, trapped in an emotional cage of his own making.
Looking back wonders if he could have changed the outcome, what would have happened, would they still be this close? would he be free? would he be with her still? What if rears it’s ugly head as always, all he wants is to step out of this, one way or another.
Another comes along, a chance to escape, he takes it, it was fake, not what it seemed, another mistake. Once again another chance to escape, once again, another fake, she was there all along helping him through it, trying to help him escape from her, is she who she seems.
They talk and he feels hope all the time, but always it is dashed on the cliffside as soon as he voices it, like she never knew she had given him such a thing.
Still he tries to escape, maybe his heart is not in it, maybe he can’t, either way he’ll keep trying, because she isn’t joining him in that desolate place they call love.
IF you really like me then cut the bullshit I am too old for games
If you don’t want me as more than friend then say, i will be there til the end
If you didn’t like what you saw, it wasn’t quite the peak you expected
Then jog on, I am worth more than that, you can find Mr Perfect elsewhere
If you tease me get my motor running then run away confused don’t blame me when someone else comes take my juice, cos one day someone will appreciate me and I will not hesitate to let loose, this was once for you, lady but you just couldn’r choose.
I hate the way that sounds I would much rather be sweet, but gals like someone who has a nobhead ish quality indeed, someone who makes them feel like shit not feel their in a dream
I was born to please one, but one does not exist so should I give it up and just look after me.
Met a lass from down south got a boyfriend, but still appreciated me for who I am, maybe she sensed i was unlucky and tried to give me some confidence to make me plucky, either way I won’t forget, no go or not she made me think
I went out come home early, because like always nobody keeps up, saturday night the atmospheres sucks, just want me to come out til something better comes along, whilst am wondering what the fuck went wrong, I just wish for once my way, but never expected, so never regretted as I drift into space.
I ask all the readers to bow their heads in the respect of one, lost, tired of all the silly games.
Things will happen, your time will come, just you wait and see. All the cliche responses I get when I get a little frustrated by the lack of romance or women in my life. My life was pretty rough for a while, well I say rough it was mostly self inflicted although I couldn’t tell you why, I don’t quite understand looking back, but the main thing that is missing in my life now, is a woman, someone to share my life with.
This is just my little rant about those phrases, my gran always said “Don’t chase women” I still believe this to be sound advice, but only to a certain point, I think once a women gives you some signals, if you don’t act, she quickly moves on and I doubt it is a good move to wait for her to do it all. I often got told you’re such a nice guy there is bound to be someone for you, well news for ya ladies, if all women are thinking that same thing, then there won’t be, someone has to take the plunge and not think like you. I have had some luck, I once got told a friendship that grows into something is a good way, never believed it but recently something came out of a long friendship, admittedly it now feels like that was a bad idea, but it showed to me it is possible.
Hung up on the same woman since about 7 years ago, but always knowing deep down if it was going to happen, it would have by now, we passed like ships in the night and though we may still be close, or were, I can’t help but feel we both fucked up with this one. So sitting content with my creative juices writing, making music, gaming, doing videos without the obsession or thought of a woman in my mind, it get’s broken by someone giving me a signal, I jump on it, whether I was right or wrong to, she backs off claims confusion or denies giving the signal either way I take the blame, or rather have to suffer the defeat, while she either moves on or goes back seemingly without a care, am sure she still cares and probably suffers a little too, but I don’t know because communication was already mediocre at best and that for sure hasn’t got any better.
I am for a man of almost 30 somewhat young in my mind, in a sense of shall we say maturity, especially sexual and/or romantic maturity, but that is I think 50% true. I have a much older sense of respect and self that somewhat cripples the development of my romantic side. I feel there is a risk taker, charlie sheen don’t give a fuck twat deep down somewhere that would woo many ladies off their feet with my wit and charm, but my crippled confidence, outlook and bitterness combine with this to create a socially awkward open book, as easily readible as a harry potter novel. I am a catch I don’t doubt, but it is the distinguished strange fisherwoman that rarely comes along that will find the beauty in this particular fish.
I have been told I need to spruce myself up a bit, maybe get some baubles to darn the old twigs as they don’t say. I have a way of words on here, but in female company, I stumble and stutter or simply stay quiet, until comfortable, then fall flat on my face in rushed conversation and foot in mouth syndrome, I kid you not, this guy is not as smooth as you might first think.
I’d like to think, as a result of my rant someone out there knows they are not the only awkward guy or girl frustrated with not being the all singing all dancing wizard with the opposite sex, that we might be alone, but we are not completely alone.
So I just got home from a reggae night, 2nd time I went to it but last time, I was dragged away as it wasn’t everyone else’s scene, this time I spent more time there, admittedly I’d have stopped longer had someone stuck around for the ride but it was so nice to just sway to the reggae beats immersed in the music, not caring what anyone else was doing, so relaxing, for a busy environment.
I can’t get enough reggae at times, the bass the feel of love there is pouring out of each track, the feeling of relaxation and easy going attitude it instils in me. I am definitely making this a regular haunt of mine, shame I will miss the december one. I will just have to fill my phone with a lot of new reggae and get some extra home listening in.
Any reggae lovers out there want to recommend some awesome tracks I may not have heard then feel free, I have a range of taste, from Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and Dennis Brown to Protoje, Sara Lugo and Sizzla Kolonji, to name but a few!
Cheers for reading,
So I sit, so I lay, so I live fingers crossed.
I wish that I could thaw this frozen passion
I live in hope I might not wait long
A line was drawn, I hope not set in stone
A wall it might be that freezes me
Can I cross it, dare I try
Still I lay fingers crossed
Staring at the space where you should lay